The Bachelorette Week 5 Recap

What a couple of weeks we’ve had here in the United States of Belarus! I know a lot of you were probably wondering how I could have passed up on the opportunity to opine about Dale’s tin-pot proposal to Clare in the last episode; or to flood my third computer keyboard of the season drooling over Tayshia’s swimming pool exit… In all honesty, the last week has been a movie and I’ve been hard celebrating my new status as the Jason Bourne of voter fraud! In between notarizing thousands of ballots for deceased Pennsylvanians, incapacitating Republican poll watchers in Maricopa County, dodging Trump militia to stuff ballot boxes in Atlanta, and posing as local Philly-area luxury hotel clerks in the event that Rudy Giuliani comes a-calling, I didn’t have time to write a blog last week. (JK, I sat on my couch watching John King defy human sleep requirements, single-handedly driving up the Ben & Jerry’s stock price, hanging on every 14-vote swing in bumblefuck Nevada.)

In any case, we have a new President, a new Bachelorette, some new men, but the same old hot mess on a Tuesday night. The blog is back; let’s jump in

The start of the episode was a little slow. We’re still in a Tayshia feeling-out period where the men are clearly in a state of post-traumatic stress from what just happened to their pride and their would-be bride with Clare’s departure. I think the best part about this two-Bachelorette season is Chris Harrison resurrecting the fortunes of these guys, Lazarus-like, from the depths of Clare and Dale’s cuckold cocoon. The number of men who have claimed that Tayshia is “more my type,” or “more my speed” is maybe a little overstated, however for guys like Ivan or (insert random guy who didn’t feature at all in the first three weeks HERE), at least they feel like they’re in with a fair shake now!

Of the initial conversations with Tayshia, I think Riley’s was probably my favorite. “Where are you from and what do you do?” might be some of the worst openers for a new Bachelorette in history. Come on Riley, you’re in the big leagues, this isn’t a conversation with your first match after “your friends made you a Tinder account!” At least ask her some hard-hitters like “why’d you get divorced?” or “why didn’t Colton put a tracker on your car and spam you with multiple burner accounts for months after you broke up?” These are the questions we want answers to, not that Tayshia “mainly works in the beauty and lifestyle space.”

Just when these poor guys thought they might be able to get a word in edgeways with their new Bachelorette following Dale’s departure, Brendan’s conversation was cut short by none other than Chris (not the last time that Chris would demonstrably cock-block Brendan this episode), who dropped the bomb that there would be more men entering the gladiator’s amphitheater. To elaborate on this gladiatorial theme, imagine you’ve been with the legions in North Africa fighting in the Punic Wars. Under contentious circumstances, you send Hannibal and his Carthaginian pals packing and get rewarded with a cushy gladiator’s job in a distant satellite province. Now imagine that this new gladiator called Spencer rolls in like Russell fucking Crowe and starts slaughtering everything in sight while simultaneously stealing the new concubine you’ve been eyeing up. That’s basically what happened. Might as well rename this Spencer guy Maximus Cuckimus, because boy was I entertained! A couple of other new guys are in the mix as well, although no one should be shocked that Spencer strolled out of his entry scene with Tayshia’s first impression rose.

Tayshia’s “season” was off to a great start, when all of a sudden Chris Harrison decided to ram a little more Clare and Dale down our unsuspecting throats with a post-mortem of their whirlwind romance. Now you’ve heard of Frost Nixon and Lebron’s 2010 Decision Interview; you’ve heard of the Monica Lewinsky Barbara Walters interview and Lance Armstrong’s Oprah tell-all; all of these Q&As for the ages paled in comparison to the high drama of the Chris Harrison – Dale and Clare interview. Just kidding, it was terrible, and Clare is still annoying as fuck, and Dale is still begrudgingly accepting the fact he won’t get to go on Bachelor in Paradise.

One question. Does anyone give a flying fuck if they knew each other before the show? No? Ok good. It wasn’t an issue for Peter and Kelley and shouldn’t be some kind of contrived drama for these two. Clare is still super hung up on having a man “show up” for her – an interesting approach given that that is the ONLY THING THAT DALE DID to completely win her heart. The only concrete thing to came from the interview was a reaffirmation of just how precipitous the enthusiasm gap is between Dale and Clare. “BABIES!”

A whistle-stop tour through some of the other happenings in the episode

  • Chris Harrison is desperate for these dudes to get their kit off at any opportunity. The water basketball group date was an abject display of athleticism by all… in the indelible words of Troy Bolton, “getcha head in the game” people! Riley and Spencer got in a bit of a tussle (which led to Riley calling him “lunchmeat” – surely not a compliment even though I do really enjoy a couple of slices of Boar’s Head on some sourdough!) but really nothing else to report here.
  • I was hoping that Blake would once again espouse the virtues of our Supreme Leader and refuse to recognize the validity of a clear loss, but alas, no date crash this go around.
  • Jason left. I feel bad for him. He would be a good Bachelor (but not as good as Bennett – DUH!)

I was surprised that Brendan got the solo date, although it was a partial relief because I now know the name of double digit members of the remaining men! Chris Harrison the entire date was giving off major Regina George’s mother “do you need anything? Snacks? A condom?” vibes, although Tayshia and Brendan eventually made it to the swimming pool for some pre-dinner canoodling! Brendan’s line of the dinner was definitely “being well rounded isn’t necessarily sexy, but I am true husband material.” In retrospect, it turns out that all Tayshia’s husband material requires is previously having been husband material for someone else! The divorcee content was capped off by Tayshia absolutely dragging her ex-husband. Not only did she stress her faithfulness in the face of his infidelity, but her line: “I don’t think I’ve felt this way ever” after one date with some random commercial roofer she just met is a pretty startling indictment of her former husband.

Until next week folks!

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