Anyone who has seen The Bachelorette before knew exactly what was coming in Monday night’s episode… We’re past the early pleasantries where the lady in question has to dodge awkward advances from strange men in semi-lived RVs and we’re right onto the dates and dramas that will shape the season and ultimately, Katie’s ongoing quest for a full psychosexual awakening. There’s tears, there’s tantrums, and the remaining men’s motives, marriage-readiness and manhood start to get a stiffer examination than Katie’s favorite quarantine sex toy.
The start of the group date involved a sex podcaster asking the men questions about sex and their sex lives, Katie looking ravenous on the stage at her “so many options,” and a whole lot more sexuality, sexuality, sexuality. The brain is a woman’s largest sex organ was an interesting revelation, and the old adage that socks increase the chance of a female orgasm (and also the chance that they are a serial killer) rounded out what was a fairly tepid start to the date. Oh yeah, and mystery man Mike, with the crucifix chain literally assaulting the audience with its prominence outside of his baby-blue t-shirt, is a virgin. The next portion of the date required the men to show Katie how they would be the best lover in the world. Connor B whipped out his guitar and sang a song about how piano playing impacted the dexterity of his fingers.
A short aside, the primary reason Chris Harrison was such a magisterial host for the show is that he didn’t show up the Bachelorette by being exponentially more attractive than them. Tayshia? Not so much. Anyways…
Karl’s sex-ed lesson was brutal, there was some kind of puppet sex show that was a little bit uncomfortable also, but Mike’s refrain about saving himself for Katie drew her to tears and he was rewarded with the “greatest lover of all time” trophy as a result. While he was cute and genuine sounding, I was overcome by a blinding celestial vision of him aggressively hopping a fence and disappearing into the night in a haze of sexual propriety so I don’t remember a whole lot else from that part of the episode. He got a trophy but didn’t get the date rose; that went to Thomas, much to the chagrin of Karl who was clearly looking to live up to his billing as a motivational speaker by snorting half a tub of pre-workout before the cocktail party.
Perhaps the best part of the entire cocktail party was Connor B’s first non-cat-suit-clad kiss with Katie. As he explained, the entire rationale for his kissing Katie was that he awkwardly touched her head with his cat paw and thus wanted a do over. As the picture below clearly demonstrates, those piano-playing hands don’t just pet in cat suits. Connor looks like he’s half kneading pizza dough and half engrossed in a particularly juicy part of an EL James novel.
Greg got the first impression rose and was also granted the first one-on-one date with Katie. As one of the men astutely remarked after the date card arrived, “the rich get richer.” Possibly the best bit about the date was the car that Katie rocked up in… It looked like a truck out of a Jason Aldean music video went on Pimp My Ride and came out with hub caps that wouldn’t last a day chilling on a dirt road!
The two went on a camping/fishing date which was very cute, but Greg needs to chill with the existential questions like “do you feel that losing your dad shaped who you are today?” Maybe Katie’s one of the socked-sex serial killers and has no capacity for empathy, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that the most overtly sexual bachelorette in the history of the show kinda has some feelings? Both were incredibly raw and emotional about the loss of their respective fathers, and while I’m obviously an incredibly rough-cut, brawny, unemotional guy’s guy, I have to admit that there was something in my eye at that exact moment and I definitely wasn’t crying and considering life’s ephemerality during the scene. Not at all. Never.
The next group date was titled Katie’s Big Buckle Brawl and involved the men dressing up in cowboy attire, promptly shedding that attire, and wrestling in a mud pit reminiscent of a post-music-festival field. A quick note on the cowboy get-ups… Anyone who has ever been to the Boot Barn in Nashville knows that there’s legitimately one rule when it comes to cowboy boots…. DO NOT EVER wear your jeans tucked inside your boots. Fall foul of this rule and you will legitimately get laughed out of the store. Enter the bachelorette contestants… at least put the guys wearing their boots correctly in the front!!!
The highlight of the brawl was the showdown between Cody and Aaron. There was some strange unexplained beef in the first episode that all made sense when it was announced that the two knew each other from San Diego. It didn’t feel like a Caelynn and Hannah B situation, it wasn’t even a “she entertains men for money” situation; these guys just straight up fuckin’ hate each other and their mutual disdain laid the groundwork for what was to unfold later in the episode.
This always happens. There’s a confrontation where one party accuses another of non-genuine intentions or fame-seeking and it invariably leads to an investigation by the show’s protagonist (in this case Katie) that ends in confusion and tears. Katie spoke to the respective parties and decided it was Cody who had to go. This shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone who heard his rebuttals to her accusations. “I’m not that way at all” and “that’s not factual information” is not very convincing when you’re fighting for your reality television life! What was interesting about the whole Cody Aaron saga is that we literally have no idea what Cody did other than have some questionable values. Cody never had a shot at winning but I still would have loved to have known exactly what his crimes were rather than being left to assume that he was like Yosef in the DMs or Bundy on the mountain trails!
Karl is annoying as hell. I get that you’re a motivational speaker, but the JFK quotes and constant posturing are a little much. “Some Xanax or a muzzle” were suggested as potential shut-up devices, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Thomas or one of his other adversaries went all grassy knoll on his ass, especially in the context of his assertion to Katie that some men are not there for the right reasons. Karl is a bullshitter. He’s the guy who wrote his senior thesis using only Wikipedia and stuff he learned on the back of cereal boxes. Citations? Never. Is he correct that some of the guys likely aren’t there for the right reasons? Probably, but no MLA no passing grade. When confronted about his evidence-less shit-stirring, he hit the group with the old “I don’t want to address the person directly, I’ll address them in private and I’m going to wait for them to come forward” triumvirate.
This show must suck for the Bachelorette. Imagine you’re crying, there’s a camera shoved in your face invading your privacy at every turn, and then the guy that comes out to comfort you in your time of need is Hunter? That’s a special kind of torture.
Lots of drama to look forward to next week folks, can’t wait and see you then!