Episode 1 Recap

This opening episode of the Bachelorette will certainly not go down in the annals of history as a barn burner. The promotional materials for the upcoming episodes however? Goodness gracious me, we’re in for a bumpy ride. It’s par for the course for Chris to come out, looking excellent, and wax lyrical about how this season is the most scintillating and scandalous television event since OJ in his Bronco, but for him to tell Clare “you’ve just blown up The Bachelorette?” That’s good stuff. Let’s jump in to last night’s episode

A couple of comments on Clare’s quarantine situation. Clare lives in Sacramento, making her the only Bachelor/Bachelorette contestant to have not immediately upped sticks and moved to LA after their first appearance on the show to try their hand as a Snuggy model and bake pumpkin spice cookies on their Instagram Story. Her house is cute, as are her dogs, but definitely could have gone without the 5 minutes of B-roll watching her gaze out the window waiting for her husband to return from war. Another observation is that Clare is a pop socket gal. Maybe she’ll have the last laugh when I have carpel tunnel syndrome and am not able to play Candy Crush into my 60s, but boy do I hate those things… anyways, out of the grievance corner!

I wish I could have done a deep dive on the various eligible bachelors and their entries, however this entire component of the episode, despite taking up 45 freaking minutes, didn’t have too many fireworks. Chasen completely dropped the ball and failed to make the knight in shining armor joke, instead opting for “I’m willing to drop my armor for you” when he showed up dressed as the Bud Light Knight. Yuck. I’m still salty that the sloth from Peter’s season got canned on the first night so there clearly isn’t any value in having a cool entry, just would’ve been nice to see just a little more creativity.

The tone of the entire season changed when Dale rolled out of the limo however the Clare and Dale was quite something in so far as it was largely unspectacular. They exchanged the requisite pleasantries, held hands, hugged etc. but to drop it all and chalk him up as the one after such a brief encounter? To be fair, I know how Clare felt in that moment, having experienced similar paralysis brought on by unconditional love after seeing David Beckham buying swordfish at the Kensington Place fishmongers in 2004, but I just started shaking and losing control of my vitals rather than jeopardizing the status of one of the most important television events of the year! Get it together Clare, we need this!

The major point of contention in the first episode was between Tyler C, a lawyer from West Virginia, and Yosef, a medical device salesman from Alabama. Tyler had some big boots to fill – in Bachelor world the name Tyler C is equivalent in status and association to Odin in Norse mythology. Rocking up on set in a station wagon, ironing board and grill the most prominently featured items lashed to the roof, is like bringing a pencil sharpener to a gun fight in the Tyler C sweepstakes. Mini McConaughey did have some scalding hot tea to spill and wasted absolutely no time in upsetting his mug all over Yosef’s terrible tie-shirt combo. It seems like they were clutching at straws to try and stir up some drama right off the jump, although Yosef did strike me as a bit of a Wayne Gretzky in the DMs, slipping and sliding all over college girls’ DMs in Morgantown West Virginia.

It’s still amazing to me how Chris Harrison continues to message his absolutely toxic cash cow of a presenting gig as this kind of public service that delivers love to otherwise lost and hopeless souls – Chris, I think these folks would be just fine… except for Bennett… they probably felt bad for him and gave him a rose so he wouldn’t go back to terrorizing the High Line’s eating establishments in his white scarf and telling everyone who will listen that he went to Harvard. This being said, this is Clare’s fifth bite of the Bachelor apple. FIFTH! So maybe her change of strategy to get one on the hook and leave in the early weeks is based in her experiential lack of success? At least it appears as though the Clare departure is going to be quick and painless; I would not be able to handle another 9-week tease for a Colton fence jump scenario! This is shaping up to be an unconventional season, but boy can I not wait.

CLARE ALSO HASN’T SEEN MY COUSIN VINNY – WHAT THE FUCK, TAP TAYSHIA IN RIGHT NOW

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