Loyal readers, friends and all of the Bangladeshi kids who I pay 79 cents an hour to boost time spent metrics for this blog, what an absolute pleasure it is to be back with you again after what has seemed like an interminable run of Bachelor-less life! It’s certainly been a long and unconventional off season for Bachelor Nation. We’ve had to contend with a couple of savage viruses that have swept the nation (COVID-19 alongside Peter and Kelley’s dumb fuckin’ Instagram stories from the polo club where they ask each other what type of cheese they would be or smell each other’s feet etc.) and I sincerely hope that everyone, their families and friends are happy and healthy. Fortunately, I was better equipped than most to handle the trials and tribulations of the quarantine period – after all, is there any better form of social distancing than opening a conversation with “yeah, I write a blog analysing the inner machinations of all major Bachelor franchises?” Anyways, I digress…
Despite the lack of Bachelor programming (Listen to Your Heart does not count) it has been quite a run for Bachelor gossip. Here are just a few things that have captured the hearts, minds and imaginations of Bachelor Nation over the past few months:
In the indelible words of Florida Georgia Line, “Victoria’s Secret ain’t a secret no more” – yes, Victoria F reads this blog.
Colton and Cassie developed a particularly virulent strain of the Coronavirus – the restrain – (tracking device on the car, Britney level Toxic)
Tyler C and Hannah B shacked up together in a quarantine cave that was about as Platonic as Morgan Wallen in a Tuscaloosa bar…
Oh yes, and did I mention? Victoria F reads the blog (we Stan a true kween)
Everyone already knows the Tayshia Clare narrative in this upcoming season, but exactly how this clusterfuckery will unclusterfuckerize itself, we will just have to wait and see!
Henry V put it best: “Once more unto the breach dear friends, once more!”
Let’s meet some of the men who will by vying for Clare (and Tayshia’s) heart:
As an unapologetically enormous boyband guy, I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t a little bit jealous of Kenny’s job. In light of this, I hate to say it, but there’s only One Direction this guy is headed this season and wouldn’t be surprised if he was told Bye Bye Bye on night one… There are New Kids on The Block and despite having a pretty wicked chest tat (violently vomits in mouth), no shot this guy makes it off of the side stage, let alone to fantasy suites to treat Tayshia to his 5 Seconds of Summer!
I guess a prerequisite for inclusion this season was a chest tattoo – but in a similar vein to Kenny, I don’t expect Page to be vying for breast in show this time around. I don’t recognize Page from any of the 14,000 episodes of Guy’s Grocery Games/Chopped that I have consumed this quarantine, so he can’t be a very proficient chef. Get the feeling there will be too many cooks in the kitchen for Page to emerge as this Bachelorette’s piece de resistance when all is said and done.
You know the phrase “never trust a skinny chef?” I think a similar sentiment applies to never trusting a “male grooming specialist” who looks like he’s been bunking down in a sleeping bag under a bridge for the past six months… maybe he’s working with some Versailles-esq. topiary down south? Until we get confirmation, mix in a wet comb my guy, this pic is just bad for business!
Bennet’s bio (Giggity) reads as if Fiddlesticks and Electric Room came together to prototype their ideal Saturday night consumer. His bio is hilarious: “Bennett says he is the total package. Handsome? Check. Great Job? Check. Mature and ready to find his wife? Check! He enjoys taking morning yoga classes, walking the High Line is his favorite Belgian loafers and indulging in delicious meals in the city’s best restaurants.” Might hit him up when I’m back in the city – I too enjoy those things.
Holy smokes. How could you not buy a house from this guy?! I’m going to the Coldwell Bank on this real estate agent going far… And if he doesn’t make it? He can just go back to playing QB for the San Francisco 49ers.
“Chris works in landscaping and is hoping his relationship with Clare will bloom like the perfect rose.” Literally who writes these bios, and shouldn’t they be doing their algebra 1 homework?! When asked to describe himself as a lover, he responded “I like to think I’m good at what I do” – this is a business trip for Chris – all gas; no rakes. (sorry, sidetracked by a tough algebra problem)
Jay’s bio almost deserves its own blog… Jay thinks every song that Drake puts out is a banger, he spent all his allowance on clothes from Abercrombie and Fitch growing up, and he owns and operates his own personal training center. I can smell his Axe body spray from here!
If you’ve ever been to San Diego, you’ll recognize Chasen. He’s everywhere; probably not wearing a shirt; probably about to put you on a poster at the beach volleyball pits; definitely has a long board; probably has spent more hours oiling his abdominal muscles than you’ve spent in the gym in the past year. I could go on… In that sweater, boy band manager Kenny might try and sign him up on the spot – first single? The Wanted – Chasen The Sun
Happy watching people! Enjoy!