Well well well… it’s summer time, and the living is easy. Much has changed since you were last subjected to my meandering musings and unabashed overreliance on Harry Potter references to drive home mediocre Bachelor analysis! In the United States at least, everyone you would want to interact with has received a vaccine, and the CDC has declared we are now free to have the air conditioning units of Manhattan’s high rises rain putrid water down into our unmasked mouths once more! In all seriousness, I sincerely hope that everyone is doing well and that your 2021 has been markedly better than your 2020. Matt’s season of the Bachelor was anything but the antidote we needed after a long winter, and I am incredibly glad that I’ll be able to replace images of his new-fangled beard with new characters in the portion of my brain exclusively dedicated to Bachelor Nation. Unlike many of you reading this, I have always liked Katie and am really looking forward to gradually liking her less and less as the season progresses!
As is tradition, I have done absolutely zero research outside of what I see in these poor guys’ mug shots and read in their bios. Here are some of the eligible bachelors vying for Katie’s heart and my drastically uninformed assessments on their aesthetics and characters:
We need to talk about Greg’s hair… Greg has the haircut Harry Potter would have had if he had an ounce of marketing nous and wanted to cash in on “the boy who lived” bit by prominently displaying his scar between curtains of luscious hair (told you I was over reliant). Unfortunately, the only thing I think Greg was “the chosen one” for, is the male model they used to mock up Shrek’s human character… Don’t see this guy and Katie finding their happily ever after and it’ll be back to the swamp for Greg.
I know his relationship with Clare has been rocky, but really Dale? Moving to Reno to become a dancer, growing out the hair, slapping on a couple of chains and trying your luck again with Katie? Look for Marty to try and McFly up the power rankings early on and run off with Katie before she gets the chance to meet any of the other men. I haven’t seen Back to the Future so not going to belabour this point, but if this is a young Dale in time-travelling form trying to resurrect his parents’ relationship or something then don’t be surprised.
Al Pacino, Any Given Sunday; Herb Brooks, Miracle; William Wallace, Braveheart; Leonidas, 300; Karl, Bachelorette. One of these things is not like the other and yes, it’s Karl alongside some of the most celebrated motivational orators in the history of screenplay. What is he? A motivational speaker for ants? While it’s never prudent to judge a book by its cover, that is exactly what I am going to do, and on the surface, this guy looks like he couldn’t motivate a pack of starving lions to take down a post-dinner Augustus Gloop.
Connor is an 8th grade math teacher, and while 32 dudes and 1 lady isn’t exactly the golden ratio, Connor B will be hoping that none of the other men can FOIL his plan to become Katie’s significant figure! Connor’s one major deal-breaker is women who don’t respect waiters; serial killers, career criminals, and people with snakes for pets are all good, but if mental math guy catches you only tipping 10%, he’s out the door faster than you can say “but when am I ever going to use the Pythagorean Theorem in the real world?”
The Toronto Fire Department is notorious for having one of the worst selling firefighter calendars in Canada… Fire Chief Matthew Pegg went on the record saying that if they were outsold by the Saskatoon Saskatchewan Fire Department another year that he would have no choice but to resign his post… Enter Brendan… Who knows if they’re training this guy to do anything except oil up his body and slide down the fire pole a couple of times a day; what I do know is that Brendan excelled in hose control and fireman’s carry. He’ll be hoping he can use these skills and stick around long enough to rescue this Katie cat from her tree!
Andrew ‘s bio boasts a whole host of hobbies that include coaching youth water polo, woodworking, and sampling men’s fragrances from magazines. Oh yeah, and when he’s not frenetically sniffing himself he’s busy locking up Ryan Atwood and his buddies as the gallivant around the OC. Andrew will be hoping his oral arguments are sufficiently strong to show Katie his subpoenis power in the Fantasy Suites!
Christian “sees the romance in everything and his parents have been married since their early twenties so he dreams of finding a long-lasting love like theirs.” Don’t get me wrong I’m no relationship expert here, but I don’t think posting Instagram captions like “Mom said mix in a water, so I went to the pool bar,” and “sweatin’ like Mayweather in a spelling bee” are particularly conducive to locking down eligible bachelorettes for the long haul. Christian used to rock a fauxhawk but that’s not the only thing faux about this guy. Got the inside scoop from a reliable source (damn right I’m connected in the Bachelor world) and apparently Christian mysteriously broke up with his ex-girlfriend 5 months ago before dropping off the grid. I don’t see Christian lasting long in this one so expect a conciliatory call soon honey!
Brandon seems like the most interesting member of this season’s upcoming cast. He is fluent in Japanese and Spanish (and presumably English), is learning Korean, likes to attend the occasional rave and has a penchant for meaningful conversation and delicious cocktails. This guy seems like the Dos Equis most interesting man in the world, not an auto parts manager from Queens! This guy’s smile is kinda creepy, but I think he goes pretty far this season.
I’m going to absolutely hate this guy. Everything I thought about him was immediately confirmed when his bio started with “Gabriel loves the expression “Renaissance man.” Sean Connery is his favorite James Bond because of course it is, and he doesn’t understand the concept of athleisure because people should respect the elegant styles of the past? I’m looking forward to Gabriel strutting out night 1 adorned like Henry VIII (and now me this upcoming Halloween).
Cody’s bio describes him as “a handsome surfer with a six pack” – must be a pretty Suite life bro! Without Zack in the picture, Cody really blazed his own trail and is now a zipper sales manager… A relentless supporter of big zipper, Cody said the worst day of his life was when Gap started providing the button-down option in their jeans! Every time I hear the name Cody, all I can think about is Agent Cody Banks relentlessly striking out with Hilary Duff, and for that reason, I cannot take him seriously at all. Would be shocked if this guy made it past night one.
The startling irony of this guy being a surgical skin salesman and looking EXACTLY like a brown-haired Harvey Dent on a weekend jaunt with the boys down to Nashville was certainly not lost on me. I’m expecting some reckless shit from Jeff this season, like flipping coins to determine every decision he makes. I’m glad to finally have a purveyor of surgical skin in my life; the next time I fall of a Revel scooter barrelling home late night I know exactly which local surgical skin salesman I’ll be PATH training to!
I’m fired up for the season, I hope you all are as well! Happy watching, subscribe below for the episode recap in your inbox later this week!
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