Discussing The Bachelor with a peripheral or non-fan (I know, they exist?) is the Excalibur of double edged swords. On the one hand, I find myself getting frustrated that these nescients aren’t versed in elementary Bachelor history and haven’t been bullying Reddit-derived fan conspiracies into their skulls all season. On the other, these people can be highly valuable in providing perspective from outside of the Bachelor bubble. My roommate graced me with one such take completely out of the blue whilst playing Age of Mythology last night. “Chris Harrison is really a spicy meatball” were his words in between ransacking Heroic Age villages and enslaving rival civilizations. I don’t know what it was about this characterization that resonated so much, but this finale only further cemented in my mind his spicy meatball status. He pushes and probes, massages and manipulates, and rarely misses an opportunity to keep the dialogue or the action fiery and fresh. His pot-stirring and tea-spilling abilities are unparalleled and for this, Chris, Bachelor Nation thanks you. Chris was up to his old tricks again last night, let’s jump in:
It was an interesting scene in the studio for the After the Final Rose Ceremony. There were the usual suspects, (Chris, Peter, Hannah Ann and Madison), for some reason Kelley was there (the ultimate tease given the uncertainty surrounding Peter’s relationship status), Peter’s parents, and then every female between the ages of 24 and 40 in the Greater Los Angeles area. I haven’t seen a gender mismatch this pronounced since I was one of only three men in the 4-mile signing line for the release of Justin Bieber’s lesser known 2009 book project “Never Say Novel.”
We were once again transported into the Australian desert for perhaps the strangest rose/ring ceremony I have ever seen. Peter picked out a ring and scooted over to the proposal venue after a quick FaceTime asking for Mr. Sluss’s permission. The long and the short of the chronology is that Hannah Ann wasn’t gonna come to the rose ceremony (“I don’t want to keep giving and giving and giving and not feeling like he’s there”) and then she did. They had a short conversation where Peter hit on his classic Hannah Ann talking points. First was that he had given her the first impression rose. Why does Peter keep talking about this like it’s some kind of supernatural sign that this relationship is meant to be? This is not a legitimate justification for ultimately choosing to marry someone; it’s an acknowledgement that you thought Hannah Ann was hot when she first arrived at the house. The first impression rose is a purely aesthetic trophy and would most certainly not be admissible in Kelley’s court of lustful law! Peter went on to explain that Hannah Ann’s “beautiful spirit is greater than anything I’ve ever seen before” – Come on Peter, as a pilot you should know better than to place any value on Spirit! The last time I relied on Spirit for anything, I was delayed for 4-hours at LaGuardia because one of the plane’s wings had to be duct taped back on and then was told that my backpack was 2 inches too turquoise and got slapped with a $200 checked bag fee.
Peter finally got down on one knee after explaining that Madison had left. For all intents and purposes, he may as well have just said: “Hey Hannah Ann, sorry, I don’t feel like this show leaving me lonely again, the other girl left two days ago, so how about getting married? I’ve never seen anyone more surprised to get the final rose, or anything for that matter, than Hannah Ann was. Honestly, I think I looked more in love than Hannah Ann did on that stage after I discovered the 2 for $7 Hot Pocket deal at the Village Farm bodega on the corner of 2nd and 9th. (Don’t all rush at once; I cleared them out in anticipation of coronavirus quarantine.) She said yes, they are engaged, just as I predicted. But wait, the plot thickens…
In a precursor the Barb’s full-blown meltdown at the live show, we got a sneak peek of just how volatile a character she can be. Her reaction to Peter simply walking through the door was akin to as if he has just been released from an Iraqi prisoner of war camp where he has been tortured to within an inch of his life for the past 5 years. They legit saw each other like 3 days before… Peter revealed his news and if Barb reacted as if she had just won the lottery. What was excellent about the broadcast was that we could see Barb’s face in real time at the live show while she cried tears of joy in the recording. The juxtaposition was incredible.
I did find it strange that Peter and Hannah Ann, fresh of a whirlwind engagement, then proceeded to not see each for a month… At their eventual reunion, Peter and Hannah Ann greeted one another like they were on a first Tinder date and didn’t know whether to go in for a handshake or a hug. It was a very standoffish hug, not the warm embrace of two people who were gearing up for spending the rest of their lives together! Quick aside, holy shit, Peter’s house is unbelievable (if that is actually his house.) It was nice to see that Hannah Ann understands the reciprocal nature of a relationship; something that Peter seems incapable of grasping and it wasn’t long before Hannah Ann was firing on all cylinders at Peter’s selfishness and general incompetence. “You took my first engagement away from me because I trusted you, something you continually asked me to do.” Ouch. I love that they were once again showing Peter’s mother during the Hannah Ann Peter breakup scene because we now know unequivocally whose side she was on. Not only was she clapping raucously when Hannah Ann up and left Peter’s ass, but she did absolutely nothing to shield her son from the hell-fire that Hannah Ann proceeded to spew during the live interview. I think it would be unfair to Hannah Ann (and her team of 25 consultants who helped her prepare for Pete’s evisceration) to not go through some of her best lines. These are from their break-up as well as After the Final Rose:
“You’re sorry for not being man enough to follow through with your words?” – This is a fair point. You don’t have to propose to someone by default at the end of the show…
“You took the most precious moment that I could ever imagine away from me, because you selfishly didn’t want me to walk away” – Yes I can see how this was a special moment, but I don’t think for a second that Hannah Ann thought Peter would choose her over Madison.
“I can’t even look at you” – proceeds to stare directly at him for the next 10 minutes.
“I don’t need anything more from you… you’ve done enough damage” – her tone of voice was more as if she was speaking to a dog who has just destroyed all of the couch cushions. She might as well have hit him with the “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.”
“I want to get my life back on track now, like it originally was before” – don’t want to be mean, but The Bachelor “track” is situated squarely between the half-way-house and the Last Chance Saloon. People in glass houses…
“You told me these things that I held on to, that put a fire underneath me” – I hate to break it to you, but I think he might have been trying to put something else underneath you
AND THEN SHE BRINGS UP HANNAH BROWN
“Word of advice, if you want to be with a woman, you need to become a real man” – Peter’s corpse is already mangled and bleeding out, was it really necessary to then carpet bomb his entire life and dance around on his grave?
In what can only be described as a spicy meatball move, Chris thought it would be a good idea to fly down to Auburn, and stir up a big old pot of Alabama wild turkey soup by talking to Madison about her ongoing feelings for Peter! I wish I could bottle the look of sheer disgust on Barb’s face and use it to poison terrorists or something. What did Madison do in Australia that made Barb hate her so much? Is Barb a closet Crimson Tide basketball fan? Does she hate the corruption of the Alabama foster care system? Did Madison not wash her hands vigorously enough or touch her face in the green room before going on set? Barb says that Madison “wouldn’t accept a proposal in four days, so as a mother, I obviously had my reservations…” Maybe Barb didn’t get the memo, but aren’t parents supposed to want the best for their children? Peter is laying it all on the line here and they are sitting there as if they have just shared a seafood dinner with Gorgon Medusa, stone-faced and emotionless when their son is clearly struggling trying to tell them something.
When asked why she was so head-over-heels in love with Hannah Ann, Barb responded: “one was willing to compromise, the other was not.” Get it through your head, PETER DOESN’T FUCKING WANT TO BE WITH THE ONE WHO COMPROMISED, HE WANTS TO BE WITH MADISON! Good for Madison for sticking up for herself, and even if she didn’t make the most compelling points, she will always be able to find solace in the fact that she effectively photobombed all of Peter’s parents’ vow renewal photos. “He’s going to have to fail to succeed. All of his friends know that it’s not going to work.” This isn’t Thomas Edison and the fucking lightbulb, this is your son who is openly telling you that he is in love with this girl and the feeling is mutual, stop torpedoing any possible future they might have by being so mean to this poor girl!
Her patronization of Peter was actually quite astounding. Yes Peter is an immature, indecisive, relationship-wrecking, untrustworthy, emotionally-unstable child who doesn’t know what he wants, but that is for bloggers sitting in their mothers’ basements eating nothing but Cool Ranch Doritos dipped in ranch to say, not for his own mother!! She’s treating it like more of an “I told you so” rather than a “we support you through thick and thin because we’re your parents and we love you.”
This season of The Bachelor may be over, but Peter’s quest for love is not. I am still holding out hope for Hannah B to come roaring back into the picture, but given his experience with Hannah A and Hannah B, maybe it’s time to give Hannah C a crack at the whip?
Thank you all for reading this season and for all of your kind feedback! Suggestions for future blogs are more than welcome 🙂
As promised, here is a quick market update on the performance of Norwegian Cruise Line Holdings Ltd. As Adam Smith predicted, business is BOOMING!