One aspect of this season that is immediately apparent, is that Matt has no fucking clue what he’s doing. Being the Bachelor is a lot like being a heart surgeon… You can have former heart surgeons (Tyler C/Hannah B) whispering sweet nothings into your ear about how to approach the situation, read everything on the internet about which fat to cut, and have Chris Harrison (still clearly buzzing from his bromance with Ed and one of the best to ever scrub in) fist bumping and chest pounding next to you, but when it’s you in that moment, thorny scalpel in hand and faced with the prospect of breaking hearts, the operating room is a lonely place for a first-timer.
So, what is Matt doing as The Bachelor? There are a couple of conspiracy theories floating around as to why this absolute Adonis would up sticks and risk it all for a two-month engagement and a couple hundred thousand Instagram followers…
The first is that he was so devastated at the new legislation coming down from Albany banning broker’s fees for NYC apartments that he needed a new pastime since his prior favorite of relegating struggling post-graduates to diets of ramen and wonder bread with mystery fees is over. Another, is that with the Coronavirus lockdowns, Matt’s New York City child outreach activities (which btw made Mother Theresa look like a fucking couch potato) were halted and so he thought he could make the biggest difference to the city’s youth by chaperoning Kit instead. The third theory (that is definitely floating around the internet and I didn’t just frivolously make up over my second cup of tea this morning,) is that he “got ripped in four weeks” and wants to show everyone that 8 minutes of cardio and 2×10 bicep curls just don’t cut it anymore. In his workout montage my man was mixing in mountain climbers, reverse crunches, some off-brand pull-up bar activities that made my lats hurt just watching… Whatever his ultimate reasoning, he fits the bill of a rocket-launcher male who has “struggled with opening up and being vulnerable in the past.” Just how damaged he is, we will just have to wait and see.
A quick aside, I have missed the Orbit ads like the sun misses the flower. Like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter (S/O Knight’s Tale crew)
Now my expectations for this season did not start particularly high… Chris only referred to the first episode as “the exciting premier of the Bachelor.” If Chris can’t even work up some NEVER SEEN BEFORE and THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER energy then it doesn’t bode particularly well for the future… This being said, there do appear to be some interesting girls this season and whether Matt has the grit and guile to navigate them will be an intriguing test for him, and his ravenous viewers. Abigail is deaf, Magi is from Ethiopia, Anna the copywriter is really annoying, Sarah looks just like Alexis from Schitt’s Creek and so on and so forth. Going through the girls in exhaustive detail at this stage is a futile endeavor – rule number 1 of the Bachelor: NO emotional attachment until at least week 4 (except for Abigail – what a sweetheart.)
They really played up the new kid on the block thing right off the bat with Chris and Matt’s little Fireside Chat before the girls arrived. Chris certainly embraced his role as the soothing FDR-like figure, explaining what the New Deal was with the Coronavirus setup and starting to lay out how to build roads and bridges into these girls’ hearts. I was half expecting him to whip out the fabled classic: “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” but that would have been a lie, because Chris knew that Victoria was coming out of that limo and boy is she fucking scary.
There were two aspects of the automobile disembarkations that were particularly amusing to me, the first was the obese replica of the bird on the Twitter logo that was behind Matt as he greeted these ladies. The hotel itself is stunning, but I’m failing to see how this bird adds any real value to the otherwise magnificent décor. The second was Matt’s towering height in comparison to his diminutive potential brides. Matt’s stoop down hugs were eerily reminiscent of Hagrid trying to hug Harry after Gryffindor gets mysteriously gifted the House cup at the end of every year; or after Harry performs magic far beyond his meager learned capabilities and delivers victories in dark-wizard-duels or Tri-wizard-tasks. Matt is really tall.
A few other observations from the girls’ exits:
Chelsea made up for her lack of hair by having the longest dress train in Bachelor history
Kristin really prosecuted the case with her line: “you have been found incredibly guilty of being fine” – that is pathetic
Serena, standing at a generous 5’2” brought a step to stand on and was still 3 inches shorter than him
Someone needs to tell Saleh that those are not goat feet, those are very much camel toes. (I was getting flashbacks to sloth girl – unfortunately they both befell the same fate and didn’t survive night one)
Emani displayed her inner realtor when she got out of the car, clearly physically incapable of looking at Matt due to the monstrous chateau behind them. I’m sure the broker fee would be pretty handy selling that bad boy!
Katie the bank marketing manager/dildo girl is getting fired for SURE after she’s done with the show. She all but admitted to being the female incarnation of Jeffrey Toobin with her “best friend” MJ the dildo during quarantine. “I strategized, and some of those girls are going to lose their minds because they didn’t come prepared.” Come on Katie, I’m watching this with my mother!
When all the ladies had arrived, it was time for Matt to address the group before the first cocktail party. Clearly looking to get out ahead of things after seeing how Ivan was unceremoniously dumped for his atheism, Matt started out with a prayer wishing for universal strength amongst his would-be brides. Tayshia come get your mans!
The ladies started slowly filtering through, having short chit chats with Matt here and there. One interaction that was particularly entertaining was Kit giving Matt a New York City snow globe only to be interrupted by Victoria’s line “excuse me princess, but the queen is here.” I desperately wanted Katie to interrupt Kit with her dildo using the same line… There would have been something beautifully poetic about the princess being interrupted by a flashing, vibrating P. Regardless, you know the phrase a wolf in sheep’s clothing? I hope Kit doesn’t think she can hide her lupine tendencies underneath this fluffy white number (below) for the entire season… Her brewing feud with Victoria suggests she has some fight in her, and despite her trendy West Village roots, we’ll see if this wolf can take on Wall Street and pump and dump her competition en route to the top prize!
Victoria is the most annoying character on the show by a long shot. “She is gross in every way” according to my mother, who watched her first episode ever last night. I do find it kind of hilarious that every single premiere episode someone goes to speak to the Bachelor twice and every other character bitches incessantly about it for the next 1-3 shows. Demi did it, Dale did it and it was Victoria’s turn to butt in to multiple conversations and then rub it in everyone’s faces while sipping a straw-less Aperol Spritz like a Neanderthal.
Abigail ended up snatching the first impression rose in what was a truly heart-warming moment. It’s mind boggling to me that there are people who are able to read your lips as a substitute for listening. The only lips I can read are athletes telling other athletes to fuck off and even that can be difficult sometimes. She’s from Beaverton Oregon, and DAM was she looking fine last night! (I deleted and rewrote this line 4 times, it’s staying in!!)
There wasn’t anything spectacular that emerged from the first rose ceremony other that I’m fairly certain whoever is the Bachelor or Bachelorette has to employ some kind of method of loci sorcery to remember who the fuck some of these people are. I would get emotional that Alicia chasséd out the door, but I literally know nothing about her, the same applies to the rest of the girls who were axed before even speaking to their man. Victoria getting a rose was about as predictable as the sun rising in the east; the long suspenseful pause before the final rose wouldn’t have fooled the Bruins playoff rally towel that I often use to mop up spilled tea on my desk.
I was lukewarm about this season until I heard one silver-tongued lady react to additional contestants being introduced into the mix as: “random ass hoes coming into the house.” Paul Revere could only dream of delivering such an impactful refrain! One such “hoe,” is never been kissed Heather. Gets kissed one goddamn time and thinks she runs the show? You’re damn right she does. Buckle up people; the girls are getting nervous; the skittish are coming!