Hello wonderful Bachelor Stans and Stanettes! The collective sigh of relief heard across the United States after Tayshia’s season ended has given way to numerous mass nationwide episodes of foaming at the mouth… Whether this foaming was directly caused by the promotional materials of a topless Matt James chopping wood, or more general Bachelor franchise withdrawal, is unclear; what I do know is that the short wait in between Chris Harrison’s unscrupulous television jamborees is over, and tonight we get to once again desecrate our minds and bodies and subject ourselves to another season of quarantine Bachelor. No one really knows what this season will look like… will it be a repeat of the Bachelorette where we have to watch hours of B-roll filler showing the La Quinta in all of its sweaty mediocrity? Or will we be back to gallivanting around the globe, bemusing small town inhabitants in South America and shedding light on shitty American cities with liberally funded tourism boards (I’m looking at you Cleveland). Whatever happens, we can be sure that there will be none of the fraternal pleasantries shared by Tayshia’s men. These ladies mean business! Here are a few randomly selected ladies who either looked nice in their cover shots, or had interesting names:
Alicia began pursuing her dream of becoming a ballerina at aged 13, approximately 10-years after most professional ballerinas first strap on a pink tutu and begin pursuing said dream… While she’ll be hoping Matt is the Romeo to her Juliet, the Pas to her Deux, if their initial interactions are not on pointe, then expect to see her grand jeté out of the door early on. It is notoriously difficult to stand out from the crowd in the early stages of any season, and the girls she’s coming up against aren’t the exalting crowds at the Dance Theater of Harlem to which Alicia is accustomed. I don’t love Alicia’s chances to stand out in this field; imagine she’ll be just another Bachelor ballet corpse when all is said and done.
Casandra hates it when people eat food off her plate, which ensures that she is indeed a human being and not a robot; probably a good pre-requisite for a social worker. It’s nice to have another social worker in the mix this year after Madison Prewett dodged Pilot Pete’s journeyed joystick last season. Casandra is probably thanking her lucky stars that Covid has forced the postponement of Matt’s parents’ vow renewal ceremony this year so she can’t befall the same fate as her professional predecessor – I still cringe at that date.
In 1994, Kaylee, Kayleigh, Kailey, Kaylie, Kailee, Kaleigh, Kaley, Kayley, Kayli and Kaily, were the ten most popular variants of the name Kaylee. Apparently Kaili’s parents didn’t give a shit about any of these and went for their own iteration. Kaili will certainly be hoping she’s the hostess with the mostest in Matt’s eyes.
Dad wanted Jessica; Mom wanted Antonia; It’s not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves us along; their baby Jessenia is hoping that she will be loved by the end of this season!
Kit lives with her parents in the West Village, is a senior at NYU and hasn’t had a serious boyfriend since her first love in high school. WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING ON THIS SHOW? She should be struggling to balance on a three-legged lawn chair in a fraternity basement, drinking warm keg beer and belting out Asher Roth songs verbatim, not vying for the heart of Tyler C’s buddy in an attempt to kick start her fledgling fashion label. Kit is a fashion entrepreneur, something that we have in common. People forget I sold two Yale Basketball T-shirts for $5 each after rising like a majestic salmon and snatching them out of the clutches of a seven-year-old kid at the 2015 Blue Madness pep rally. I’m not sure which of ESPN’s 30 for 30 or Forbes’ 30 Under 30 will come knocking first!
There are lots of interesting fun facts that appear on the contestants’ individual bio pages online, but Pieper’s offering that she “doesn’t like picnics because the thought of sitting on the ground and eating is not appealing to her” might be the worst of the lot. As a graduate student, her aversion to picnics is curious; I was under the impression that 75% of graduate school is sitting out in the quad in tortoise shell spectacles and rifling through New Yorker totes for crumbled Nature Valley bars… maybe I’m wrong? This Pieper will be hoping she doesn’t have her face Pied and have to head for an early shower!
It is always interesting to see successful professionals upend their careers to come on a show that is designed to catapult micro-influencers and aspiring models into the middle-echelons of Instagram cosmetics advertising. Kristin’s bio says lots of things about balancing career with love blah blah blah. As far as I’m concerned, she’s a front runner as she loves to “belt out classic Disney songs” during karaoke night. With this in mind, she’ll be hoping her and Matt’s relationship will bop to the top and not just stick to the status quo this coming season!
Carolyn’s bio was a bit wishy washy but my main takeaway was that she’s looking for a man who has a warm heart and is passionate about philanthropy. OK Carolyn, I don’t want to blow your cover and say the quiet part out loud here, but there are certain implicit characteristics of those who are “passionate about philanthropy” that you may be leaving out of your bio. Yes, you may like their philanthropic intentions, but there are the obvious positive externalities like philanthropists being really fucking wealthy as well… Saying you want to marry a passionate philanthropist is like saying you want to marry a Lululemon store attendant. While both may be indicative of warm hearted individuals, you’re really just in it for the 40% employee discount!
My 2020 bingo card missed most of the groundbreaking international events that we were subjected to last year, and should act as no surprise that my 2021 card is off to a similarly poor start. You’re probably thinking “how could you omit an Ethiopian pharmacist who shares a name with ancient Zoroastrian priests vying for supremacy on the Bachelor?” well to my great regret, I unfortunately did. Magi seems awesome and I want her to win. She grew up in a small town in Ethiopia (before you ask, no, she is not one of Madonna’s adopted children) and alongside her pharmacist gig, runs a non-profit that sends shoes back to girls in her hometown. That’s kickass.
As a fairly prolific producer and promoter of infantile nicknames, I can’t see a world in which Illeana was not bestowed with the nickname “ill” in high school. Given that her most recent culinary creation as a health food developer was called “Funky Munky Energy,” you could be excused for thinking that “ill” was short for “illiterate” and not her aforementioned name; regardless, she’ll be hoping that her alimentary indulgences and creepily curly hair give Matt all kinds of romantic sickness! According to her bio, “Illeana would rather curl up on the couch with a glass of wine rather than hit the town and go barhopping” – funny that, as I could have sworn I saw her energizing the dancefloor at the Brass Munky pre-covid!
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