Clayton Echard Bachelor Week 2 Recap

Hillary Duff gets cheap party planning Susie snags the 1-on-1 date Never have Elizabeth and Shanae EVER gotten along David vs. Goliath has always been one of my favorite Bible stories. For the non-denominational amongst you, the story chronicles a young boy with a slingshot and a stone, who knocks out an absolute man-mountain overcomingContinue reading “Clayton Echard Bachelor Week 2 Recap”

The Bachelor Episode 1 Recap – Clayton Echard

Don’t get me wrong, I love the Bachelorette. There’s just something about the Bachelor that kicks all of my tea-consuming, drama-adoring, histrionic-hounding, and yes, blog-writing senses into Mach-10 overdrive. This partiality is quite staggering given the two soporific snooze-fests we were subjected to with Colton and Peter’s seasons, and then the hand-warming Houdini himself, MattContinue reading “The Bachelor Episode 1 Recap – Clayton Echard”

Fantasy Suites Recap – Matt James

I don’t really like to ever consider the possibility that my Bachelor-watching days could come to an end; but if by some divinely ordained twist of fate (children/Bourne-style amnesia/Monday night softball league/Amish conversion) I do ever stop watching, you can be damn well sure that I will still tune in for Fantasy Suites just toContinue reading “Fantasy Suites Recap – Matt James”

Bachelor Hometowns Recap – Matt James

Apologies for the tardiness of this blog – If I told you that I was trying to re-enact some of Matt James’s most advanced floor workout routines and, after a particularly aggressive upward swing of the knee during a mountain-climber, managed to knock my front two teeth out and concuss myself, then you might notContinue reading “Bachelor Hometowns Recap – Matt James”

The Bachelor Week 7 Recap – Matt James

Matt is a strange and confusing guy. He wears pants that are consistently 3 inches two short at the bottom; he has these creepy physical tics, such as licking his lips when talking to the girls 1-on-1 and rubbing his hands together like he’s about to sell a rug at a 23x markup to aContinue reading “The Bachelor Week 7 Recap – Matt James”

Bachelor Week 6 Recap – Matt James

If I were to describe this season of The Bachelor so far using only Matt James’s favorite Bible verses, then we are undoubtedly the Israelites in Deuteronomy 8:3 who have been cruising around the wilderness for 40 years looking for food and meaning in our toils. If the Bachelor God’s were just working up ourContinue reading “Bachelor Week 6 Recap – Matt James”

The Bachelor Week 5 Recap – Matt James

Every so often during a season of the Bachelor, there is an inflection point so visceral, so gut-wrenching, that an Irish poet’s interpretation of a Sophoclean classic is the only location where the imagery exists to do it justice. At the heart of Seamus Heaney’s seminal work The Cure at Troy, is a conflict betweenContinue reading “The Bachelor Week 5 Recap – Matt James”

The Bachelor Week 4 Recap – Matt James

It’s taken a few weeks to get a statistically valid sample size, but I’m now convinced that Matt was created in an advanced former Soviet Bloc robotics laboratory and was released to the West following the fall of the Iron Curtain. First of all, I’ve done CrossFit 4 times and maintain that it is impossibleContinue reading “The Bachelor Week 4 Recap – Matt James”

The Mattchelor – Week 3 Recap

The concepts of motivational carrots and injurious sticks have been leveled to try and inspire particular personal behaviors for millennia. From antiquity to present however, no organization has managed to leverage them side-by-side to quite the effect as our friends at ABC, The Bachelor producers. This week, a fainting Sarah and the promise of aContinue reading “The Mattchelor – Week 3 Recap”

The Bachelor Week 2 Recap – Matt James

The first episode of Matt’s season seems like it was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Between an alarming armed insurrection against our nation’s legislative branch, a new 30-track Morgan Wallen behemoth dropping last Friday, and trying to figure out how to transfer cable and internet services to a new NYCContinue reading “The Bachelor Week 2 Recap – Matt James”