Well, well, well… it’s that time of year again. The leaves are changing, the turtlenecks are starting to peer ever more expectantly out of the back of the closet, and the squalid stench of Bachelor in Paradise that has been wafting so ignominiously over our airwaves for the past several months has been shunted aside for the glorious return of America’s favorite franchise. In a world where feverish swiping, night-and-day DMing, and apathetic ghosting are the predominant state of dating, it’s nice that the we are once again back to match-making in it’s finest, most feudal form: The 24-on-1 crunch-fest that requires careful positioning, a lot of luck, and the near unique ability to watch the girl you’re about to propose to engage in sexual relations with other men mere days before you’re down on one knee. If you thought Odysseus had it tough when after a troublesome ten-year trip back from Troy, his wife made him string up his own bow and shoot an arrow through a bunch of ax-handles, you understand nothing of what this upcoming crop of eligible bachelors are going to have to endure to win Michelle’s fractured heart!
As is tradition, I have done approximately zero research into this year’s format, contestants, locations, hosts, protagonist, intrigue, the list goes on and on… Fortunately for those who are Bachelorette-inclined, all of the information required for a quick pre-season gander is available in the Meet the Cast section of the Bachelorette website. To this end, I have been poring over this page trying to find pertinent parallelisms between cast members and their real and fictional lookalikes, and hope to dive into some of the more nuanced aspects of some of these guys’ characters throughout the course of this blog. It’s certainly a colorful cast vying for Michelle’s affection, let’s jump in and explore some of my favorites
If the pre-photo instructions were to smoke as much weed as possible and then smile like someone just walked in the room with an enormous plate of Twinkies, then Brandon understood the fuck out of the assignment. Brandon J seems like an appropriate nickname! While I’m sure that Brandon is keeping himself incredibly busy with his travelling nurse recruitment activities (imagine having to keep tabs on an Abigail-entranced Noah and his recently returned moustache) but if all else fails, with the shape of this guy’s head, he can always fall back on the Veggie Tales!
A beefy, white, NFL player from Chicago named Bryan you say? While our guy Bryan has slightly more follicles than his namesake Mr Urlacher, I get the distinct sense that the only first team all-pro this guy is gonna be is all-projectile out of the running! Bryan pegs his romantic side on all of the romcoms his older sisters made him watch as a child… let’s hope for his sake that he finds his happily ever after much like his lookalike Human Shrek!
If this guy doesn’t win, then what chance do the rest of us have at achieving anything even remotely romantically fulfilling? To quote Seth from seminal classic Superbad, “looking into this guys was like the first time I heard the Beatles.” Even writing this, all I can think about is the startling similarities between his piercing blue eyes and the water color on some fabulous travel magazine cover exploring Bora Bora’s hidden gems. Not sure what kind of commodities this guy is brokering, but he’ll be hoping he can overcome the intense volatility in the market and lay some lumber by the time Fantasy Suites roll around!
Garrett is a college dropout, pickle loving, “plant daddy.” He also founded an “incredibly successful tech company” and now spends his time galavanting around the world doing various extreme sports (skydiving, paragliding and speed flying) that presumably force his hair back into the strange, windswept coif that he is sporting in his picture. Whether or not this same wind molded his ears into enormous elf-like vessels remains to be seen, but he’ll be hoping the ears afford him Legolas-like skill with cupid’s arrows in pursuit of Michelle!
Jamie can deny it all he wants, but there is no way that this “Biotech CEO” isn’t a retired Derek Rose in the lab trying to biotech his way to some new knees! Got ’em.
It’s a pretty well established path at this point… join the army, leave the army, get a sweet combover haircut, and then go on the Bachelorette. Worked pretty well for Ben Smith who now has accumulated over 350K Instagram followers and launched his own fitness lifestyle brand! No doubt Jack is shooting for a similar play here. Watch for uncompromising abdominal muscles, unexpected nudity, and unrelenting toxicity.
Pardeep, a neuroscientiest, might be praying for a touch of amnesia when it comes to Michelle’s previous dalliance on the Bachelor where she expressed her undying love for Dancing with the Starts flameout and open-eyes kisser Matt James. Fortunately, Pardeep’s favorite holiday is the New Year “because he loves new beginnings” so it looks like he’ll give Michelle a pass this time. His bio also reads that he loves sleeping in on Saturdays… so anyone who loves Eric Church will know that he also probably loves college football games, not acting his age, and good barbecue.
PJ is the last single man standing of all of his friends, not altogether surprising when his bio’s principal positive stroke is his love of Rubik’s Cubes. PJ will be looking to solve the mystery of Michelle but don’t hold your breath… his bio reads that he “doesn’t like opera…” Characteristics formed of dislike don’t usually bode well for budding candidates (I dislike peanut butter and mixed berry fruit roll-ups but I don’t go shouting about them in the off chance that the girl I’m vying for with 23 other dudes likes these things) so expect PJ to extinguish any spark between him and Michelle.
Nayte is 6 foot 8, which for my readers everywhere in the world except the US, Myanmar and Liberia who are probably more familiar with the metric system, translates to really fucking tall. As if Nayte needed any other reason to stand out, he also spells his name like a phonetic dictionary… interestingly, and worth noting for all of my SEO specialists out there, this Nayte is the first Nayte to pop up when you type Nayte into the Google… way to sell yourself there Mr. Executive!
Edward is a wellness coach who dreams of going to Disneyland one day. He lives in Los Angeles. Not mentioned in his bio is that he isn’t a very good wellness coach because there is literally a Disney Land literally right down the road from him and any wellness journey should be about making your dreams come true, right? Mix in a ride on the 405 my guy, maybe catch an Angels game while you’re down there! Edward looks a lot like if Snape hadn’t been rejected by Lily Potter in high school, and instead had settled down in Godrick’s Hollow as a slippery magical trinket salesman who models his own wares. Don’t see this ending well for this wellness coach.
Being a motivational speaker and being from Canada are legitimately two sides of the same coin. Ever met anyone from Canada? Try telling me that Justin Trudeau doesn’t motivate the entire female population to melt into a sorry puddle when he opens his mouth. Try telling me Justin Bieber doesn’t motivate the entire world to begrudgingly admit that My Worlds was his best album. Try telling me that Nickelback doesn’t motivate the entire universe to bow in deference to their intensely superior musical abilities. Try telling me that Blake Moyne doesn’t motivate you to want to throw a brick through your television. Not sure what Chris G. does, but it’s bound to be motivational.
Happy watching people!