It’s not even 3PM this fine Monday and it’s already shaping up to be a tough week… I was uncharacteristically bright-eyed and bushy-tailed strolling into work this morning and completed my assigned tasks in record time (thus exposing my normal productivity as a shadow of my untapped potential); my gambling performance last week can politely be described as “abject,” impolitely as “depraved and degenerate (I must pay my leering and gloating bookie today);”! and as this little introduction has already exposed, I have no fucking clue where to put punctuation in-and-around quotation marks, semi-colons and parentheses. Ouch.
It then dawned on me that all three of these maladies had quite easily attainable remedies! I am currently writing this, thus redressing the balance of my unusual morning productivity; I applied Fermi’s Golden Rule for semiconductors which gave me the answer to my second pain-point I was desperately looking for:
and I decided that my New Year’s Resolution would be to avoid difficult/ambiguous punctuation wherever possible. I also remembered that today was the start of a journey… A journey that would weave a complex web of emotional linkages, that would call into question the very institution of monogamous relationships, and that would end in a superficial and often short-lived matrimonial experiment founded on distrust, jealousy and intense fan-fueled pressure. Sound perverse? Yes. It is. Very. And I fucking love it. Thanks Obama.
I started watching the Bachelor for a couple of reasons. First, I thought girls might prefer talking about Colton’s lubricous and Adonisian bone structure a little more than the relative merits of putting Pastrnak on the Bruins second line to help distribute scoring, or what Mookie Betts is going to get in salary arbitration this off-season… Actually that was the only reason, and while the new conversation topic has yet to bear significant fruit, I have little doubt that Pilot Pete’s season will usher in a new era of kill accumulation rivalled only by the Boeing 737 Max!
While I hope that Colton and Cassie are happy (and based off of Instagram’s relentless visual testimony it seems as though his virginity is about as far gone as me this NYE) I think we can all agree that last season we got FUCKED. After Demi left to go and explore her sexuality and Heather mysteriously disappeared after fulfilling her objective of having her first kiss broadcast to millions of captivated Bachelor sycophants nationwide, there really wasn’t much to shout about. The much-anticipated fence-jump was somehow, some-way drawn out over about 12 hours and the virginity narrative was overplayed and not-altogether believable. Yes, I am happy that Colton finally graduated from “will you take this rose?” to “will you take this hose?” but all-in-all, I’m chomping at the bit for some fresh meat on the chopping block.
So ladies and gents, fasten your seatbelts (“by inserting the metal fitting into the buckle, and adjusting the strap so it fits low and tight around your hips,”) “secure your carry-on items, stow your tray table, and pass any remaining service items and unwanted reading materials to the flight attendants” and grab a drink from the service trolley, we’re expecting some fuckin’ turbulence!
My sleeper
A Wellesley, MA native, I am quite surprised that I haven’t stumbled across, let alone matched with her on one of the many dating apps I have dabbled with over the years. I guess my 57-mile radius does dilute the candidate pool somewhat, but still, throw me a bone here Payton! Maybe I’ve missed her as she exclusively uses Farmers Only… Wouldn’t be surprised, as based on her biography – “Payton is the type of woman who goes into a bar alone and leaves with 100 new best friends” – she seems very ready for some hoe-in’! With Payton, I have no doubt that people Nationwide will be on her side but will she be able to find Pete with her Hail Mary or will she be Manning up with someone else?
The Flight attendants
This is going to be an interesting couple to watch. Don’t be surprised if there is a double date with Pete where they take a flight and these two are the flight attendants. Jade grew up a Mormon, so is no stranger to sharing her man with 31 other girls. “Megan’s mother is her best friend,” which must be a universal trait for people named Meg (@Lynne). While they both have a shared employment experience with Pete, don’t see these two lasting long in tandem. Jade’s religion and recent divorce gives her the kind of personal heartbreak story that will resonate with viewers and no doubt see Utah’s viewership numbers skyrocket – I anticipate her wrestling the oxygen mask from Megan’s aisle seat and watching her mother-loving competitor suffocate her way out of the running while eating all the in-flight refreshments.
The Canadian eh?
A fashion blogger, Mykenna will no doubt know which ice skates to don on as she tries to slip and slide into Pete’s good graces. (For a taste of a Canadian fashion roundup, watch Bill Hader on SNL to see what to expect from Mykenna – 2:47). While she may seem cute, this will be one to watch very closely. She is the joint-youngest member of the field, but as a Langley native, I have no doubt she has a couple of CIA-esq interrogation tricks up her sleeve. A major fan of Grey’s Anatomy, don’t be surprised if she diversifies to Pete’s anatomy as the season progresses. All we can hope is that she inherited her parents’ baby-making ability, and not their dismal spelling!
The Redhead
To really understand Lexi, I am going to do a little fly-by on her profile:
“Lexi went to Florida State University and left college with a very serious boyfriend” Go Noles
“Lexi is a smart, independent and fun woman who is ready to find the future father of her children.” Sarah Spaulding is that you?
“She has been on a number of bad and mediocre dates around New York and can’t seem to find the right guy.” I am right over here sweetheart, Friday, 7PM, MonoMono for another bad/mediocre date?
“Lexi believes that dating as a redhead is hard, but she’s hopeful that Peter will like to spice things up the way only a ginger girl can!” Dating as a strawberry blonde is easy as hell. As a marketing coordinator I would expect you to know a thing or two about branding, Lex. CONTROL THE NARRATIVE!
“Lexi would rather be buried alive than be trapped in a room filled with frogs.” WTF?
“Nothing turns Lexi off more than people who are desperate.” @BruceKhan
The Good Samaritan
Madison could really go far in this thing… Nowhere was Madison’s versatility more evident than in her paradigm shift in paper production from Federalist to adoption! Lets hope that her nurturing nature can extend from the American democratic experiment and foster children to Pilot Pete’s wants and needs!
Where do I sign up to be a foster parent and how do I ensure that she is the one recruiting me?
The Victorias
Victoria P. is going on the Bachelor because she “has never given herself a fair shot at finding love…” I’m no mathmagician but if having a 1-in-32 shot amongst other gorgeous women in an environment that makes a snake pit look like a luxurious 5-star resort is giving yourself a fair shot, then Donald Trump is the second fucking coming of Jesus. Her greatest fear is chicken served on the bone… Let’s hope for mile-high Pete’s sake that it’s the chicken and not the bone that is the root of her fear!
Victoria F. is “a big country music fan and will travel to see her favorite artists play a show.” This is a very positive characteristic and makes me like her very much. In the indelible words of Florida Georgia Line, I am sure that Pete will try and make sure “Victoria’s Secret ain’t a secret no more” by the time all is said and done! Yee Haw!
The Home Assistant
Hi Alexa, what the fuck is an esthetician?
The Cattle Rancher
I had to read this biography a couple of times, stopping every time at “Every time Avonlea milks one of her cows, she thanks it for its hard work.” Let’s hope for Pete’s sake that her skills around the udder are cross-functional! Hopefully Pilot Pete can hold his head steady while she milks the cow. She’s looking for a man who can take care of a Texas woman… I would like to formally disqualify myself from consideration.
My winner
I think Hannah Ann will get off to a slow start but will really grow into her role as the season progresses… she clearly has no problem letting it all hang out (literally and figuratively), despite the fact that she still lives at home… Her connection to home is something I think will appeal greatly to footloose and fancy-free Pilot Pete. Her house is covered in artwork that she has painted and she LOVES home improvement shows. Pete is looking for a down home country girl who can greet him on the porch with a big ol’ glass of sweet tea when he comes back from long-haul flights. She’s hot, she lives at home, she has a younger sister and brother, she likes it steamy – damn the more I think about it she sounds like the female version of me in high school!
Happy reading, happy watching, may the best lady win!
Ollie's Bachelor Recaps 