It’s not often that The Bachelor is compared to an ebullient provincial French stew… In fact, this might be the first time. Regardless, as the week has progressed and the time removed from the mayhem of Monday night has increased, I find the comparison rather suitable, if not idéal. Julia Child fondly referred to Beef Bourguignon as “certainly one of the most delicious dishes ever concocted by man” and the position of The Bachelor at the apex of human achievement on the small screen renders one immediate consistency with the magnum opus of French cooking. The similarities do not end with their purity of pedigree… Both stew and show have bold, brash characters complemented by subtle and mysterious side plots; and give the Burgundian piece de resistance an opportunity to marinate in its own juices for a few days and the flavor is amplified, just as The Bachelor’s intricate plotlines, it’s searing dialogue and it’s humble, horny humanity require several days of reflection to fully digest and appreciate. Three days have come and gone, and as a fine bag of Franzia Cabernet Sauvignon refines over its three-day maturation period, so have some of my thoughts about the events of Monday night and the future prospects of our eligible bachelorettes.
Let’s jump in…
The first rose ceremony always concludes in somewhat of a Pyrrhic victory for the Bachelor in question… Peter succeeded in narrowing down the playing field of ogling ladies to 23 and is theoretically closer to finding his soulmate, however, just as Pyrrhus discovered in victory over the Romans at Asculum in 279 BC, the losses sustained were immense and the additional clarity/blurry next steps did not justify such cavalier and injurious actions. Pyrrhus was contending with the might of the Roman Empire. All Peter had to do was toss a rose in Kylie’s direction and calamity could have been avoided. In my humble opinion, losing Kylie is tantamount to defeat. Yes, I know it’s a TV show predicated on week-to-week elimination and it’s unrealistic for all of the girls to get a fair bite at the apple at the start, but c’mon, this is Kylie we’re talking about… She planted the seed, tended to the sapling, nurtured the tree, saw her arboreal baby survive harsh winters, gale-force winds and arid summers with the sole intent of plucking a perfect apple from its branch and bringing it to Peter. At least give her a goddamn bite! The Salem Witches were afforded more due process.
Onto a slightly less partisan reflection… I think we can all agree that the airplane-related tasks conducted by the badass, if a little Trunchbullian, air force lady were fucking awesome. Personally, I would have been perfectly happy with the entire episode comprising clips of the poor girls battling against the mega fans, however I appreciate that it doesn’t do much in the way of nurturing narratives. Let’s just pray we don’t have to endure any more mathematical showdowns this upcoming week… Don’t get me wrong, it was highly enjoyable watching fully grown women flounder in the face of the speed, distance, time equation, however, my initial laughter at the puzzled looking faces of the contestants was quickly assuaged when I realized that I too was unable to correctly answer the simple third grade math problem. If you were one of those obnoxious young students who asked their math teachers questions like: “when are we ever going to use the Pythagorean Theorem in real life?”, I hope you were watching the Bachelor and had your brain twisted into a mental pretzel by the harsh reality of your current mathematical incompetence. Who knows, next week the contestants might be forced to buy 274 watermelons and distribute them in the ratio 5:3:2 to Dave, Bob and Steve? Bet you wish you had done the extra-credit ratios assignment now! Regardless, last week was one for the third grade math teachers out there. Bless up Miss Catheral (and thanks again for naming your son after me. I hope he’s doing well and not writing reality television blogs.)
Another aspect of the airport testing I enjoyed immensely was seeing the young ladies overshoot the number of feet in a mile by factors of ten. My only explanation for this inflation affliction was that their distance measures had been calibrated by insecure ex-boyfriends who had made a habit of overestimating the size of their manhood… Leave it to Python, ahem, I mean, Pilot Pete to have the number of feet in a mile absolutely on the button!
The dinner scenes are some of my least favorite in The Bachelor… It is as if the producers are playing the popular Lil Wayne refrain “We eat each other whenever we at the dinner table” on loop in the green room beforehand to sow the seeds of sexual desire, because invariably the Bachelor and his dolled-up dinner (they don’t actually eat on the show apparently, just get unconscionably drunk) start sucking each other’s faces about 30 seconds into the meal. Certainly the participants seem to be Hell Yeahing and Fuckin’ Righting during the process, but could they not take a leaf out of Drake’s book and take the sushi to go (tell them don’t even plate it) and spare us the on-screen shenanigans?
Three things to watch for next week…
Oh no Hannah Baby what is you doing?
As I have made abundantly clear in the past, I like Hannah B, but she’s simply got to go. Perhaps her exploration of the eligible bachelor pool post-Peter has left her severely disappointed, but she shouldn’t be allowed to cannibalize Peter’s noble and pure pursuit of true love. According to incredibly reputable and reliable medical sources, windmills cause cancer, and that’s exactly what Hannah B is becoming on this season.
Anyone who knows me well understands my unconditional love for Jake Owen and his body of work. Weird brag, but I went on a camping trip in the Poconos and saw his concert at Mount Airy Casino not a big deal. I digress… He wrote a song, no, more of a diss track, about Alabama Hannah. I’m going to leave it here, safe in the knowledge that her impropriety is not going unnoticed by those with larger platforms than my own.
The Victorias’ secrets unravel
Victoria P is foxy. Not in the Foxy-Knoxy-murder-your-roommate-with-the-kitchen-knife foxy, but I get the feeling that she’ll be digging through trash cans looking for receipts on her competitors before next week’s episode is done. Expect some fireworks from this one.
It turns out Victoria F’s secret is that she cries relentlessly. Tough secret to hide when the Bachelor house is second only in cameras per square foot to Kim Kardashian’s bedroom circa 2007…
Wheat from the chaff
During The Bachelor, we hold just one truth to be self-evident: that NOT all women are created equal. There are 6-8 girls who really have a shot at this thing now that Kylie is gone… I anticipate the gulf between the frontrunners and the field only growing in the forthcoming episode. They received lots of positive buzz in the first episode but don’t be surprised if Madi, Kelley and Hannah Anne continue to make inroads into Peter’s vulnerable heart.
Happy watching people!