Here we are again people, back with Clayton the limp shrimp pimp on another haphazard journey of imperceptive discovery; or should I say an “international tour to find love” in Houston, Texas…
Serene got the first date rose and clearly doesn’t understand how the entire show operates. She said, “no one has ever shut down a pier for me before” like it was Clayton’s doing… credit where credit is due, but literally Clayton showed up in the air-conditioned limo provided for him and went on some rides with no wait times. Give me a goddamn break.
It may be testament to how unmemorable this date was, or the fact that the Ottolenghi crispy tomato and garlic baked rice that I had foolishly attempted to concoct for dinner was concurrently billowing plumes of dangerous looking smoke so that I couldn’t take notes, but I remember very little from the entire date. One thing about their date did catch my eye however, and it wasn’t Clayton’s glistening game or childish charm. Serene’s broccoli literally looked like Napoleon Dynamite’s head had been severed, spray painted green and was lying happily on her plate, safe in the knowledge that eating food fucks with the microphones and that he wouldn’t have to endure any more pain. That broccoli is currently undergoing stem cell research in the General Mills underground bunker where they keep the Green Giant. World hunger? Not if this bad boy hits the shelves in 2022. I hope something good becomes of this food after they’re done with it, that or its actually the plastic food that you see in sketchy-looking ramen places in Chinatown.
Clayton has a good amount of rapport with Serene, but their interactions are almost too youthfully exuberant, much like an owner and a puppy where you can’t really tell who is who. “I couldn’t be happier at what I’m seeing out of you” – Clayton, this is a romantic love interest, not you speaking to your dog after they stop peeing on your living room rug. Yes, she seems into it, but she’ll have to up her game if she wants to get Serenedipitious later on in the fantasy suites!
Shanae’s “I can’t think of one thing I’ve done wrong so far” is the kind of self-awareness that this show has been clamoring for for seasons. At this point, the entire Shanae charade reflects so poorly on Clayton’s judge of character that some kind of psychiatric evaluation is likely not too distant in his future. His inability to sniff out Shanae’s psychopathy, and his gullibility to her every word are astonishing. Stealing candy from a baby and confusing Clayton’s brain into thinking you’ve done nothing wrong are birds of a feather. Given the opportunity, Clayton would probably keep Beth Dutton and Darlene Snell around for a look around their rustic hometowns, get Lestrange with Bellatrix in the Fantasy Suites and give the final rose, draped in recently murdered Dalmatian fur, to Cruella fucking Deville.
Anyhow, Clayton finally plucked up the courage to talk to the girls about the Shanae situation. “Sorry to interrupt” is quite the opening sentence to a group who are literally there waiting around for you. Clayton seems to forget that he’s the Bachelor sometimes and addresses the girls like he’s drawn the short straw amongst his buddies and has been tasked with infiltrating a group of girls at a bar. “Sorry to interrupt?” This is like a butcher sidling up to a pig pen and apologizing to his swine for interrupting their latest session of rolling around in the mud whilst awaiting their slaughter. The ladies are there for a reason so don’t portend their fate with insincere pleasantries and get right into what you’re going to do about Shanae.
“Throwing the trophy in the pond was not the right thing to do” was another startling display of self-awareness from Shanae, and has pretty much been the only chink in the Big Lie that she has been propagating to Clayton and the ladies so far. Clearly buoyed by the ease with which she managed to deceive Clayton, she took this admission a step further, going on to issue legitimately the most half-assed apology I have ever seen! Her apology was met with a Genevieve death stare would have turned the Gorgon Medusa to stone and it was interesting that none of the girls on the winning team acknowledged Shanae’s apology whatsoever. There were a couple of bridge-builders, keen no doubt to maintain a furry façade for would be future advertisers, but Shanae is so full of it that she was lucky they all didn’t put headphones in and choose the ambient sounds of nails scratching chalk boards in lieu of her faux expressions of regret. Off-screen, Shanae professed “that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life” – the only thing harder during the episode were the producers backstage when they realized that Clayton was falling for it and Shanae would get to make jokes about murdering Genevieve at Niagara Falls for another week!
Shanae went on to compare herself to Meryl Streep, presumably for her deceptive détente – the only thing they have in common is they are both goats in very different senses of the word – Shanae more Bully goat, and Meryl, well, her performance in Julie and Julia speaks for itself. I’m genuinely convinced that Clayton still doesn’t know half of the girls’ names and as a result, has to give Shanae a rose every week to avoid ridicule in the face of his amnesia. Safe to say it, regardless of Shanae’s self-proclaimed sweat levels, she managed to stroll out of there with another goddamn rose.
For the second week in a row, we were promised globe-trotting travel, and this time they followed through on the international piece of the pie. “We’re taking our travels international… to Toronto, Canada” is like “you get an all-inclusive, all expenses-paid trip to the Bahamas… with Marilyn Manson.” I can’t get over Peter’s season where they literally went to Australia and just cruised around there a few months; everything else seems to pale in comparison. Anyway, Gabby got the one-on-one date and literally started crying as soon as she found out.
According to the man of the hour, our good friend Clayton, Gabby wasn’t really on his radar until the one-on-one date – Clayton there are literally 9 girls left – if they’re not on your radar yet I don’t know what to tell you; maybe upgrade to sonar from whatever current cartographic contraptions you are using. Maybe Gabby flew under Clayton’s radar because she’s just a really nice, down-to-earth, wholesome girl – something that the show decidedly does NOT reward in the slightest. She’s goofy and funny, and rolls around with random dogs that she sees on the streets. If this is not wifey material I don’t know what is. Their dinner date was very cute and VERY vulnerable. I hope Gabby wins for her self-esteem and then ditches Clayton to find the prince charming that she deserves.
The next group date involved roasts – you all watched the show so I’m not going to rehash the individual lines. The overall quality was low, and the general delivery was even worse. Comedian Russell Peters came out and finally called out Jesse Palmer for not actually finding love on The Bachelor despite claiming erroneously in the first couple of episodes. Marlena was the most scathing, but nothing really to write home about other than Clayton categorically denying that he kisses his mother with his mouth open.
The rest of the episode basically set up the Shanae Genevieve Niagara Falls date. Is it too much to ask that we just get a normal episode that has three dates, one big bust up between the ladies and then a rose ceremony at the end? We’ve been given the run-around all season with cliff-hangers and cancelled rose ceremonies and strange trips to Niagara Falls that don’t end with any kind of resolution…
Until next week folks!