Bachelor Hometowns Recap – Matt James

Apologies for the tardiness of this blog – If I told you that I was trying to re-enact some of Matt James’s most advanced floor workout routines and, after a particularly aggressive upward swing of the knee during a mountain-climber, managed to knock my front two teeth out and concuss myself, then you might not believe me, but it would still be a more convincing lie than Kit saying that she wants the best for Matt and doesn’t just want to go on Spring Break with her friends! Suffice it to say, my teeth are fine, my head is no more or less reminiscent of scrambled eggs than it was before, and the truth is that I just haven’t gotten around to this week’s blog through the devilish combination of work and sloth. It’s hometowns week, otherwise known as “oh-shit-my-parents-don’t-know-Matt’s-black week if your name is Rachael, and once again, the poor families of these beleaguered ladies had to travel to see their kids sweating it out to get engaged with the first robotic Bachelor. Let’s jump in…

The episode started out with an entirely predictable but enduringly annoying Matt James workout compilation. I’m not sure what his angle is here, but if he’s catering to the Men’s-Health-reading, protein-shake-drinking, tank-top-wearing, hunky eyeballs of Monday night television, then he’s barking up the wrong tree; they’re all watching Below Deck on Bravo. Matt chatted about what hometowns meant to him, and how important his family was in his life before Michelle was first up to the plate to give Matt a taste of her Minnesota hometown of Edina.

Every time I hear the word “Edina” on television, I immediately brace myself for the next words to be “in Rust Belt America” and am resigned to watching some uppity young journalist interviewing an old dude in a Hillary for Prison T-shirt about how the illegals stole all the high paying jobs at the coke factory… Edina is not only the location for every middle American profile in white economic anxiety, but is also a wealthy Minneapolis suburb whose residents, I am reliably informed, are referred to as “cake-eaters.” Michelle was certainly looking to have her cake and eat it too, and kicked off their date with a nice bike ride through the fall colors of the Nemacolin resort. They followed this with a trip to a pseudo-classroom where Matt was treated to a whole host of uncomfortable questions from Michelle’s students about kissing and babies and marriage. One response in particular to the question “What has Miss Young taught you?” spiked my attention when Matt responded that she had taught him open-mindedness… Oh yeah? She taught you to be open-minded? It wasn’t the process that dictates you have to simultaneously date 32 girls and give up on pursuing the ones you like at the expense of those who are loud and obnoxious that might have tickled that tolerance muscle?

Everyone knows how incredible it is to have a substitute teacher for even a day so it’s no wonder the kids were vying for Matt to get down on one knee for Miss Young and prolong their educational vacation for as long as possible! They probably never thought that she’d make it this far, and now that Battle of the Bands is only a few weeks away, they don’t want Michelle to get booted at this stage and waste all of their hard work! All Ned Schneebly substitute teacher jokes aside, if I was a Karen in cake-eating country, I probably wouldn’t be too thrilled that little Jimmy’s teacher had just peaced out half way through the school year to become an overnight celebrity on one of America’s most popular dating shows?

Michelle is REALLY into Matt, citing the primary reason as: “He wants to make a difference; he’s creating these hydroponic gardens for inner city kids so they can know how to grow food.” Michelle’s dad Ephraim is a little more realistic, reminding her that “If he doesn’t pick you it’s going to be a big let-down;” thanks captain obvious!

Rachael’s three most important attributes in a relationship are “communication, truth and honesty.” If we are to take our good friend Bill Shakespeare’s wisdom from the end of All’s Well That Ends Well that “there is no legacy so rich as honesty,” then Rachael’s legacy is more indebted than $450 GME buyers! The context of Rachael’s checkered past makes it kind of surreal watching her interact with Matt and opine about their deep love for one another, but hey, she’s made it this far so let’s see what happens? Her hometown date involved blindfolding Matt, taking him on a ride to an undisclosed location, and revealing that they would be jumping out of a plane. The similarities to Birdbox were startling: the blindfold, and when you remove it, the penalty is pretty close to suicide!

Over the last 12 months, there have been many attempts to promote the concept of anti-racism in our society. Usually the methods of education, reconciliation and empathetic walking in others’ shoes are the starting points, but pushing someone out of a plane with a faulty parachute I guess is the latest maneuver? I can’t say I was super surprised that Rachel botched the landing given that her 12-year-old instructor was probably having pre-pubescent daydreams about Yu-Gio cards and his friends’ older sisters, but it was still pretty jarring watching Rachael eat the turf upon landing. Matt responded by taking a leisurely jog over to Rachael (we’ve seen him run faster when he saw the Peloton bike was unoccupied across the gym) and described the crash as “gnarly.” This was a near death experience Matt, not a skateboarding trick or an above average wave caught! Rachael “can’t imagine living life without Matt…” Right.  

Going to need to see some license and registration sir

Rachael’s family were actually quite pleasant. Trinity in particular was unable to hide just how smitten she was when Matt walked in! As in most of these situations, the dad expressed skepticism, and Rachael was severely disappointed that Matt didn’t ask for his blessing.  

Bri has been a real sleeper this season. It’s tough going on the first 1-on-1 because your relationship development has to come in fits and spurts through group dates where additional time with Matt is contingent on the bowling skills of your teammates and other such ridiculous KPIs. Their date was unspectacular, mirroring their initial date with some off-roading antics and then heading straight into the meet-and-greet with Bri’s “non-traditional” family. Matt came on strong with Bri’s understandably skeptical mother by explaining that “the conversations and the level that we’re at is different from the other girls here.” This makes perfect sense in relation to Victoria or the other ladies who were sent home without getting to talk with Matt, but can the same really be said for his relationships? Matt debriefing Bri about his chat with her mother was pretty hilarious. “It went well, I just answered every question as well as I could” – this is love here Matt, not the fucking AP World History test, get it together man!  

Serena absolutely loves Canada, which makes here like every other Canadian eh? On her date, she attempted to “bring Canada” to the Nemacolin resort; and not to be mean, but if what she produced is what Canada is like, it was eerily reminiscent of a Saskatoon truck stop Golden Corral during the World Junior Hockey Championships. There was Canadian flag bunting literally everywhere (so authentic eh?) and Matt was subjected to the most low-budget Canadian food buffet I’ve ever seen. The poutine in particular looks like it was made the Monday prior. If she was looking to go full Canadian, she would’ve had Nickelback riding in on mooseback, juggling Timbits and slugging Crown Royal… a missed opportunity at best.

Unsurprisingly, Serena’s family were SOOOOO NICEEEEEE. Her sister had Trinity syndrome and also seemed to be enchanted by Matt, however her assessment of Serena was that she wasn’t smitten enough with him… Serena’s dad looks like he grinded it out in the hockey minor leagues for 22 years and now beats the wheels off of other dad’s during Tuesday night men’s league games. Serena is clearly severely impacted by a previous relationship and her family’s constant reminders of her prior heartbreak were clearly weighing on her. Quick aside, but asking a Canadian to say a sentence with “Doubts,” “figure out,” and “about” is the kind of cruelty that I haven’t seen from the Bachelor producers since they told Hannah Ann that the bottle of champagne sitting on the mantelpiece was up for grabs! Serena’s mother seems like a lovely lady, but her assessment that Matt is “intellectually stimulating” is languishing in the cold take basement with the Jamarcus-Russell-could-play-in-today’s-NFL crew.

Matt’s feelings for Serena were not reciprocated and when Matt went to get his girl, this sentiment was only confirmed. It’s definitely a window into his feelings that Matt wanted two dates with Serena (at the expense of one with Abigail) but Serena shut him down with the “when it came to expressing my feelings about you, I really struggled” and “I don’t think that you’re my person.” This was clearly the first time that Matt had ever really been rejected in his life because the only words he was able to muster up were “that stinks.” Ladies and gentlemen, the pinnacle of intellectual stimulation!

The rose ceremony was one of the least suspenseful in Bachelor history. All I’ll say is that whoever Matt ends up with is NOT going to like watching the tape of his interactions with Serena! In the indelible words of Katy Perry: In another life, Matt would make her stay, so he wouldn’t have to say that she was the one that got away!

The Bachelor Week 7 Recap – Matt James

Matt is a strange and confusing guy. He wears pants that are consistently 3 inches two short at the bottom; he has these creepy physical tics, such as licking his lips when talking to the girls 1-on-1 and rubbing his hands together like he’s about to sell a rug at a 23x markup to a tourist in a Marrakech street market. Whatever his strange defects, I don’t think he’s a complete idiot and thus understands the parameters of the situation he is in. One thing he said in this last episode really struck me. When talking about Heather’s sudden entry into the fray, he said “up until the point when I am engaged, I don’t want to leave this with any doubts.” This quote right here sums up the fundamental inconsistency with any kind of rationality or real-lifeness when it comes to The Bachelor proposal process. He’s basically saying that he wants to keep his options as wide open right up until the point that he gets down on one knee? While you have to respect the toxicity, it’s no wonder that these Bachelor relationships pan out about as often as a Sunday night win-it-all-back parlay! Anyways, let’s jump into Monday night’s episode…

Heather’s introduction to the house was every bit as tumultuous as could have been expected. I haven’t seen that kind of volatility since a couple of weeks ago when I lost my life savings holding GME stock because Reddit user HuckFedgeFundzzz69 told me to (only joking). Heather was welcomed into the house about as warmly as a cockroach, and while her stay wasn’t really long-lasting enough to warrant a full-scale female insurrection, Jessenia and Chelsy in particular were sprinting for the glue traps and the Raid spray to try and stop Heather in her tracks. Heather’s intro line of: “I’m not here to just come in here and ruin everyone’s day” is about as sincere as a hurricane apologizing to a Floridian peninsula after ravaging the coastline and leveling every building for miles around. What did Heather think was going to happen? The girls, many of whom have already been blindsided once before, see this angelic figure strolling in with a white dress and Matt rolls out the red carpet for her? I’d go full Hulk mode as well!

One thing that has to be said of Matt, is that when push comes to shove and there is girl drama taking place in the resort, he generally is able to cut through the bullshit, identify the source, and get her the hell out of there. Heather came bearing a very suspect story about Hannah B and fate and basically begged Matt to take her… he did not, and promptly walked her back to her car with the cursory exit hug and wrap-around waist grab. Is there anything more humiliating than flying across the country, the only car they have available at the Enterprise Rental is a white minivan so you take it, you bear it all in front of this random guy on national television who you’ve never met but your friend thinks you’d be cute together, he rejects you, and then you have to drive yourself away in the same 2001 white Chrysler Town and Country that boasts 9 highway MPG and a maximum capacity of 14 screeching girls sporting Sweetspot cleats in the back? I’ll take Heather’s answer as a yes given that she looked like she had just won the lottery when saying goodbye to Matt!

There isn’t much to say about the rose ceremony that followed Heather’s departure other than it was a welcome fat-cutter. Neither Serena P nor Chelsy had a realistic chance of winning given the other girls in the field, so it was about damn time the producers got rid of the drama queens and let the heat seeking heart missiles continue their search for Matt’s matrimonial embrace!

Serena P had the first 1-on-1 date, an interesting development given that there are two girls (Abigail and Jessenia) who had yet to go on a 1-on-1 with Matt. The two went for a tantric yoga session, and to say that Serena P had a terrible time fails to really grasp just how much she hated it… Tantrum yoga would have been a better name if her post-session testimony is anything to go by, but for someone who had a) never done it before and b) supposedly hated it, she was damn near the best tantric yogi I have ever seen. It was like a goddamn Cirque du Soleil meets Titanic crossover in the studio, with Serena displaying incredible core strength and flexibility throughout.

Now I’m not going to profess to be some kind of dating expert here, but Matt, if you’ve been hanging out with someone earlier in the day, they completely hated the activity that you planned so much so that you toast to “never doing tantric yoga ever again,” maybe I wouldn’t dive right into the dinner time conversation by talking exclusively about that activity? Long story short, Matt gave her a rose and the two went for a romantic ice skating adventure that was only minorly impacted by the fakest fake snow I have ever seen in my life.

The group date was one of the most contentious yet, despite the ladies not actually having an event planned. The premise of the date was to allow all of the girls to air their true feelings about Matt and the process and Bri was the first up, describing how she had just quit her dream job to stay on the show… She opened their conversation by saying that “with great love, comes great sacrifice” and I can’t help but think that a more appropriate line would have been “with mediocre feelings in a field of 9 other candidates comes great sacrifice.” What are you doing girl? You’re giving up your dream job (communications manager… ooh dreamy) to stick around for a guy you’ve been on one date with? This whole job debacle got me thinking, how many managers and bosses have granted medical leave to an employee for six weeks only for them to appear 5 months later on The Bachelor? A lot? Matt is all about the vulnerability, and so the prospect of marrying an unemployed girl during the worst global pandemic in 102 years was probably pretty attractive to him.

Abigail was next into the ring and all she was looking for was a little insight into how she managed to snag the first impression rose, but then had seemingly nothing but slide down the power rankings. Matt replied: “you were vulnerable with me, you’re beautiful, and so it was a no brainer that I gave you the first impression rose” and then the big “but” in the room (other than his after those Alex Toussaint Peloton workouts) “I was so comfortable with our relationship that I started exploring other relationships and realized that my heart is going in a different direction.” This is brutal, especially after Abigail so vehemently declared her love for him. Every time Matt sends a girl home, he immediately shapeshifts into Dr fucking Octopus… His hands are literally everywhere. The hand in the lap closely followed by the thing grab is his go to, but the lower back caress as she’s leaving is another underappreciated weapon in his arsenal. (Just wait until we get the over the shoulder clamp when Kit leaves later on!!!)

Rachael ultimately got the rose (a pretty startling thing to witness in the context of recent revelations that she used to bully girls in high school and college for liking black guys) and was treated to an intimate Aloe Blacc concert as her reward. Interestingly for the Cumming Georgia native who has a proclivity for attending Old South parties, they didn’t opt for a country artist despite every other date in the past four seasons involving one… Lady Antebellum immediately springs to mind? Anyways, it’s probably just as well that Aloe Blacc didn’t try his luck trying to get a dollar out or Rachael… not sure that would have ended well!  

Kit has been slowly devising an exit strategy for a couple of episodes now. She tried to force the issue earlier in the episode by disclosing to Matt that she was waaaaaay too young for him, but eventually took matters into her own hands and showed up for a midnight chat. Matt is the king of appeasement (step aside Neville Chamberlain) and so obviously tried to talk Kit off the ledge, but she replied “you saying that stuff makes this even harder for me, but I’m unwavering in this, because I know what you deserve…” Come on Kit, you are the ultimate self-interested candidate in this process so don’t pretend like you ever had any intention of going the distance with Matt. I’ve never seen an episode, only the incredibly uncomfortable commercials, but I’m thinking more and more that Kit and The Good Doctor could be a great match?

Jessenia’s date was unspectacular. The two went drift car driving and Jessenia tried her best Megan Fox lying on the front of the car in Transformers impression. Jessenia is really short, even in heels Matt has a good 18 inches on her… She is listed online at 5’4”…  If she’s 5’4” then I’m fucking Ryan Gosling… As you can see from the image below, when she’s standing with Matt she literally looks like a child mascot who comes out with the players before a soccer game. Matt was waving around the rose at dinner like he was dueling some death eaters but ultimately didn’t give it to Jessenia.

Bri, Michelle, Rachael and Serena P are the final four ladies heading to hometowns next week. Buckle up!

Bachelor Week 6 Recap – Matt James

If I were to describe this season of The Bachelor so far using only Matt James’s favorite Bible verses, then we are undoubtedly the Israelites in Deuteronomy 8:3 who have been cruising around the wilderness for 40 years looking for food and meaning in our toils. If the Bachelor God’s were just working up our appetite for the first five episodes, tantalizing our taste buds with contrived Victoria-shaped mirages, then Monday night’s episode was the mother of all Manna-from-heaven dumps. We had screaming, we had crying, we had roses being distributed and withheld, we saw bowling, we were treated to a topless Tyler C and a has-been-kissed Heather Martin coming from the clouds when literally no one asked for her. If you’re asking if the aforementioned conditions mean that you’ve died and gone to heaven then you may very well be right; Matt’s season was a grisly purgatory to this point, however after Monday night, the entire Nemacolin resort reeks of teen spirit, not because Kit has been sending suggestive messages from her, but because we are now in Bachelor Drama Nirvana.

The episode started with the finale of the Jessenia, MJ debacle. MJ is the last remaining pillar of the MJ, Victoria, Anna trifecta that made the Mean Girls seem like lovely upstanding members of the North Shore High School community. Perhaps their least endearing collective quality (Anna’s teeth take the cake in the individual sweepstakes by a country mile) is their consistent, mind-numbing ability to play the victim in every contentious situation that they create. Ultimately, it was Jessenia who came out on top in the battle of she-said, she-said, channeling her best Virgin Mary impression in a blue dress that was eerily reminiscent of The Madonna by the manger. Once again, MJ painted herself as a full-blown psychopath. The line “I had a weak bitch moment but now I’m back” was particularly memorable. This is the Bachelor, not the pregame where you tried to fight Jose Cuervo and had to go relieve your stomach of its inner demons before going out to the bar! In any case, given Matt’s proclivity for exceedingly open and vulnerable women, this weak bitch moment might actually have helped, rather than hindered her chances!

Look at that Lapis Lazuli

Matt has been driving some pretty sweet cars this season and so it was probably a good idea that he walked MJ out after sending her home; MJ strikes me as Carrie Underwood on steroids when it comes to digging the keys into the sides of pretty little souped-up four-wheel drives! Now she’s out the door, Matt doesn’t have to think before he cheats! He was clearly sufficiently worried about potentially psychotic behavior that he maintained a vice grip on her waist for the duration of their walkout scene, a slightly strange action given that he had just sent her home in favor of her arch-nemesis, but hey, he’s a weirdo.

I’m starting to think that Matt is like the vast majority of the world and hates having to make awkward small-talk with strangers at cocktail parties. This is like the third instance this season where he has just unceremoniously cancelled the cocktail party and gone straight to the rose ceremony. There was a lot of very nervous energy that manifested itself in tears for a lot of the ladies. Ryan in particular was absolutely losing her mind despite only having spent 30 seconds total with Matt. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared or anxious in my entire life…” What?? Has she never been on a train in an unfamiliar location with headphones on, missed the announcement for the next station, and then entered a state of sheer panic when the next stop could be yours but you don’t get up because you don’t want to face the walk of shame back to your seat if it isn’t, so you gear up for a mad dash if it is? Now that’s anxiety-inducing! Every cutaway of her she’s bawling her eyes out like someone has just taken that one nacho that has the perfect ratio of every topping on it. Matt, a high-profile African American conservative, might have been turned off by Ryan’s Hillary Clinton esq. pant suit; or maybe he was channeling his inner Tucker Carlson and refused to give credence to a girl with a name generally reserved for boys? Whatever the case, Ryan did not make the cut, Magi can go back to saving the world with her non-profit work and Brittany can return to escorting full time. That was a joke.

You hiding emails in those pockets??

Somehow Serena C received a rose. She is one of my least favorite characters in the two years that I’ve spent shamelessly addicted to this mystical, magical franchise. An American Airlines flight attendant by trade, her relentless toxic energy and Biblical resting bitch face are the reason that they provide sick bags in the pouch in front of your seat! I momentarily thought about boycotting American in protest, but then I remembered that I have a coupon for a COVID-cancelled flight, as well as being a significant shareholder in the company (4.1243 shares not a big deal) so thought better of it. The reasoning behind her rose was immediately apparent when she yanked poor Katie aside and the two started airing out their grievances. There are a lot of mixed feelings about Katie on the internet and amongst my friends, and I’m not going to name names, but Sarah Spaulding you are entirely incorrect in your assessment that Katie is annoying and unlikable. She sticks up for the little guy, she stands up to bullies, she confronts the savagery of groupthink, and she calls out injustice and tyranny when she sees it; was Spartacus rising up against the tyrannical Roman Republic “annoying?” Was it annoying when Cinderella broke free from the cruel bondage of her evil sisters, or when Shrek confronted bestiality norms and showed that an ogre could indeed marry a human princess? These people, like Katie, were trailblazers, standing up for equal justice and fair treatment; Serena on the other hand is a vindictive, back-stabbing poser who will do anything to elevate her incredibly menial status on the show. The shouting match was excellent television, and it was even better when Katie walked in on Serena mischaracterizing their entire conversation to the other ladies in the living room post-fight. This is one that is likely to rumble on…

I will talk a little more about Heather later on, but the long and the short of it is that she clearly got kicked out of her parent’s house when they found out she had had her first kiss, she stole her Mom’s minivan and thought that Nemacolin would be a good place to lay low for a few days. Chris’s feigned surprise was some of the worst acting I’ve seen in a long time and he sent her right into quarantine so she could get into the action before long.  “I couldn’t let Matt get engaged without even trying” – good one.

Pieper got a one-on-one date this time around and was treated to a surprise walk in the woods late at night. “I used to really love surprises… and then I came here” was Pieper’s response, and you can’t fault her, I wouldn’t have been shocked if their date was introducing Matt to 17 new gorgeous girls! The date was a trip to the fairground, and not just any old fairground, but an absolutely enormous multi-ride fairground with more lights than soccer-mom suburbs around Christmas! If we compare this to the fairground that Brendan put together for his hometown date, it’s pretty darn obvious that Title IX does not apply to the Bachelor franchises! The two then enjoyed a romantic dinner and then were treated to a concert, and another affirmation that if you don’t like being serenaded by C-list country artists in strange, intimate concert settings then the Bachelor is not for you. This time it was Temecula Road who were behind the mic… At a time when the biggest names in music are probably begging for bookings, you go with these guys? They sang a song, and Matt and Pieper kissed. Par for the course.

They should do more actual date activities on the group dates rather than performing strange scavenger hunts, or playing around in the mud as they’ve been doing a lot of this year. The group date was bowling, and the ladies were clothed with some lovely Big Lebowskian bowling shirts. The teams were set and shockingly it came down to Abigail with the final ball, needing six pins to win. She guttered it and the Pink Petals defeated the Blue Bombshells. What happened next was a prime example of the participation trophy-fication of the United States. The losing team was invited on the date. Abigail couldn’t get six pins on her final bowl, she doesn’t deserve to be on the date. Simple as that. I do think that the winner of this season will be in that losing group though. It sure as hell isn’t Kit or Serena C, so I’m calling it now that it’s between Rachael, Abigail and Bri. Boom.

Katie was the final recipient of a one-on-one date this episode. Before Matt went on the date however he had a nice chat with Tyler C over a game of pool. Unsurprisingly the date was centered on him, with Katie and Matt acting out this kind of dystopian voodoo doll scene where they were directing the masseuse to perform strange tasks on his angelic body. I’ve made a lot of how shitty the dates have been this season, but putting myself in Katie’s shoes (remember she couldn’t arrive on the set without her vibrator), I would imagine that watching Tyler C get his naked torso massaged was probably the best date ever. Matt made the whole thing decidedly uncomfortable by lubing up and going in for the massage at the end but the date went into dinner in good spirits. What happened next was a surprise. Katie was sent home. I had a sneaking suspicion that it was going to happen when they started talking about honesty and respect for one another (never a good sign,) but still a surprise given Katie’s relationship with Matt to that point.

Death, taxes, and Matt wearing turtlenecks and thigh-grabbing every girl within a 5-mile radius are some of the only certainties in this world. Another, is previous contestants of the show randomly pitching up to add unnecessary drama into the season in question. Heather gets kissed on damn time and now thinks she can insert herself into the season because Hannah B told her to? Now that is privilege if I’ve ever seen it. It’s kind of crazy the aesthetic similarities between Heather and Patrick Mahomes’s wife Brittany… I guess if your man can’t win back-to-back Super Bowls then creepy real estate agents with hand rubbing fetishes all of a sudden seem pretty appealing?

Until next week folks

The Bachelor Week 5 Recap – Matt James

Every so often during a season of the Bachelor, there is an inflection point so visceral, so gut-wrenching, that an Irish poet’s interpretation of a Sophoclean classic is the only location where the imagery exists to do it justice. At the heart of Seamus Heaney’s seminal work The Cure at Troy, is a conflict between personal integrity and political expediency. The chorus of the closing scene is perhaps the most applicable in sensibility and sentiment to this conflict but also to what we saw on this most recent episode of the Bachelor: “history says, don’t hope on this side of the grave, but then, once in a lifetime the longed for tidal wave of justice can rise up and hope and history rhyme.” That tidal wave was a 30-foot Sumatran tsunami on Monday night and boy was some justice doled out… let’s jump in

Victoria is an incredibly interesting psychological specimen. I hate to keep bringing up her similarities to Donald Trump (what a refreshing fortnight it’s been now that the hands grasping the nuclear football are not so saturated with fast food grease that there is a constant fumble risk) but she has a startlingly similar ability to overinflate her sense of self-importance and conjure conflict and hatred out of thin air with a Houdini-like élan. Victoria’s villainizing campaign was not aimed at Mexicans or the free press, but like pigs to truffles, or McCarthy to Communists, she made it her prerogative to go after these new girls with all her energy. She labelled her Robespierre Reign of Terror “The OGs vs. Newbies” which sounds to me more like a Space Jam knockoff than a concerted bullying campaign, but her activities, as well as those of MJ and Anna, really caught the attention of Matt, who dominated the early proceedings trying to get to the bottom of the toxic culture within the ranks.

The idea that the Bachelor or Bachelorette has some kind of responsibility for the cultural conditions of the house is an interesting concept that resurfaces a couple of times every season whenever there is unrest. Whether it was Bennett and Noah, Caelynn and Hannah B, Hannah Ann and Kelsey (the list goes on and on), all of these conflicts are tied together by the false indignation of the bachelor in question, and their unwavering quest to try and resolve whatever dissension there is. Matt took his cultural responsibility very seriously last night, flexing his acting skills by seeming shocked that 32 girls cooped up together all dating the same man could ever lead to interpersonal resentment. He stated the blindingly obvious that he’s not looking for a raging bitch as a wife (“If you’re having to belittle someone else to shine, those aren’t the qualities I’m looking for in a wife,”) and then cycled through the women, judiciously evaluating their stories with the look of consternation that this could have happened under his watch.

Matt’s fact-finding conversations with Brittany and Ryan were a tasty amuse bouche, but really, they were just whetting our collective palette for what was a perfectly concocted mixture of remorse, contrition and begs for forgiveness from Anna for the main course. It’s amazing the paradigm shifts that occur when the existential insecurity of these ladies comes into question, and Anna’s claim that “she is the worst, most shallow person ever” and that she’s “so sad and upset with myself” are phrases that she was most certainly not wheeling out to Victoria when the two of them were seen spilling gallons of speculative tea last episode. Matt handled the situation with a surprising amount of compassion and decisiveness (although “when I met Brittany a few days ago, she was spunky” isn’t the best thing to say when you’re trying to defend someone accused of escorting) and made the call to give Anna the chop. This was the first wave of Seamus Heaney’s tide of justice.

Victoria’s ugly downward spiral was the next indication that nature was healing and that facts, truth and decency on The Bachelor were back in vogue. I must say, it was quite funny watching her scramble to play defense as she tried to completely rehabilitate her image from fiery dragon to cuddly kitten, but Matt seemed to see through it, confronting her about her role in systematically bullying all of the new girls in the house. One instance in particular was Victoria’s characterization of Ryan, a dancer, as “a hoe.” To be fair to Victoria, her assessment that the new girls were “hoes” was intended as a much more blanket statement, but Victoria certainly didn’t help her cause by admitting to Matt that she had said it and then referring to Ryan as “the shadiest bitch” for telling him.

Any time you use “it was taken out of context” as a defense for something said – see every professional athlete who has had to defend calling their classmates racist and homophobic names on Twitter in middle school – you are guilty as hell, and Victoria’s constant impropriety, her blind insistence that she is “the best option for Matt,” despite only having spoken to him like three times, and her full-blown melt-down where she claimed that she “literally might die” if Katie was chosen over her were irreconcilable red flags for Matt. From a producer’s perspective, if you were gonna keep one lie-spreading, conniving, back-stabbing snake, then I would definitely have kept Victoria and not Serena C, but maybe Matt actually had a say in this one and his patience with Victoria was spent. I have to admit, despite her roaring character flaws and objective insufferability, Victoria is a blogger’s dream; I will miss her, and the joy that she “brought so many people.” (Her words not mine) To all you Matt’s out there, congratulations, you dodged a bullet!

Rachael got a 1-on-1 date, and Matt celebrated by greeting her in the same manner he greets all of the ladies: by licking his lips, rubbing his hands together and then saying: “I like that” after whatever the girl says to him. Rachael could literally have said that she wasn’t a fan of the Shrek franchise, or that the only music she listens to is underground Ukrainian screamo and I’m sure Matt would have repeated the same phrase. Rachael’s date was trying on some dresses under the watchful eye of Matt, and John Legend’s gay, Rastafarian, French cousin…

Rachael was forced to confront all of the other girls, 25 shopping bags in tow, upon her return to the resort. Given the reactions of some of the ladies, you would have thought she was wearing a Lady Gaga meat dress in the lion’s enclosure; Pieper in particular looked like her new puppy had been released in the enclosure as well!    

Full disclosure, I was otherwise engaged during Rachael’s dinner and the activities on the group date, so I will not be talking about them. The only analysis I could get from my parents was that MJ got freaked out by the chickens and rejected by the goats – great judges of character those goats!

My main takeaways from the group date were: Abigail is a real sweetie and actually has some of the best chemistry with Matt (despite his personality closely resembling drying paint); Michelle is definitely a contender, but she didn’t react well to being in the bullpen with the other girls rather than in a hot air balloon or the backseat of a car with Matt; MJ is toxic, maybe she should try baseball rather than the Bachelor; and I think that vulnerability is Matt’s aphrodisiac… I don’t think Matt could tell you a single hobby, college they attended, aspiration of any of these girls, his primary line of questioning is digging into their deepest darkest insecurities. “Thank you for being vulnerable with me” is almost as common a refrain as “I like that!” I’m not saying that Matt is an aspiring cult leader who preys on the weak and vulnerable… but my mother most certainly is!

Daaaaamn, no dust under those vases

I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a million times but I cannot unhear “kid” whenever Matt says “Kit,” and so “tonight is Kit’s night” really threw me for a loop. With this is mind, when I found out it was a cooking date I was expecting dino nuggets and Kraft mac and cheese on the menu. Matt’s preparation was incredibly strange… he dusted underneath his vases… literally the most OCD people in the world don’t dust underneath their vases… I would sooner create a matrix that took into account authors place of birth, book length and spine color and organize my books accordingly rather than dust underneath the vases. “Kit is a little fashionista” was his justification for cleaning up his house… certainly not a possible future modelling contract with Cynthia Rowley or anything cynical like that!

I know COVID has done a number on the quality of 1-on-1s this season, but as dates go, this was possibly the worst of all time. Imagine a guy inviting you over for dinner and he subsequently forces you to make him chocolate chip cookies, you don’t get any food, and then you make out on the couch and he has his eyes wide open the entire time. Woof. Clearly understanding that vulnerability was the only thing Matt values, she started laying it on him how difficult it was that her mother had been stocking the shelves, not physically, at TJ Maxx for her entire life. Cry me a river Kit. Of course she got a rose because its literally impossible not to get one. Thanks Matt.

In other news, Jessenia and MJ are in a little tiff so will be interesting to see how that turns out. Tyler C is going to be back, and Heather (never been kissed) Morris is also making a celebrity appearance. Until next week folks!

The Bachelor Week 4 Recap – Matt James

It’s taken a few weeks to get a statistically valid sample size, but I’m now convinced that Matt was created in an advanced former Soviet Bloc robotics laboratory and was released to the West following the fall of the Iron Curtain. First of all, I’ve done CrossFit 4 times and maintain that it is impossible to generate his kind of abdominal muscle toning without some kind of metallic robot undercarriage; He chops wood with all the fluidity and humanity of the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz; He does this weird awkward lean in whenever the ladies are talking to him that puts his body at an impossibly uncomfortable and unnatural angle for a human; he maintains this sappy, faux-radiant smile that makes him look like the robot from Futurama; and he uses the exact same playbook for each contestant, first saying something toxic like “vulnerability has always been hard for me,” moving on to robot fuckboy phrase #2 “I’m struggling to express to you how I feel,” and then as sure as the sun rising in the east, hitting them with some smarmy words of affirmation about how their relationship is developing when it clearly isn’t. At this point in the show, Matt should be narrowing down which ladies are actually in the running and which are categorically not; he hasn’t been able to do either, telling every single girl that he could imagine their life together and then extolling their virtues in his side shots by saying, “I could be speaking to my future wife.” It’s frustrating. Anyway, let’s talk about Monday’s episode…

If Dr. Frankenstein, or whoever it was that had the wherewithal to manufacture a perfectly mundane and by-the-book Bachelor robot, it was their evil assistant who programmed Victoria in an express effort to unhinge, malfunction at every turn and watch the world burn. Yet again, aside from Chelsey completely showing up Matt with the quality of her fade, it was Victoria’s toxic energy that dominated proceedings in the evening cocktail party. After calling everyone quite unpleasant names and getting called out by Katie for it, she honked “I can express myself through name-calling if I choose to.” I can express myself through naked fire eating on top of the Empire State Building… Just because you can, it most definitely doesn’t mean that you should… She followed it up by saying “If you want to express yourself with your dildo then you’re not ready for an engagement.” I would argue the exact opposite and the fact that your principal method of self-expression is through your vibrator is a stone wall sign that an engagement is EXACTLY what you are ready for!

The start of the date was unspectacular on the whole. I genuinely thought Matt said “I like being around kids” instead of “I like being around Kit,” which was a pretty startling reminder of the incongruity of her youth. Victoria was yet again right in the middle of the fire, an unfortunate place to be if you’re dressed like a marshmallow! Unsurprisingly, she ended the evening smoldering and burnt, however this time her demise and ridicule was not entirely by her own doing. Chris Harrison interrupting Victoria and snagging Matt like there was something seriously wrong was like one of those viral videos where the scrawny white kid who walks on to the Iowa State basketball team gets his scholarship from a cop walking into the film room and asking to speak to him about a minor transgression on campus. The kid looks terrified, then elated when he figures out what is going on, and then everyone in the vicinity goes crazy around him. This is exactly what happened, as Matt looked like he’d been caught on camera pissing on the statue in the middle of campus, was then fired up when new girls showed up and started making out with him, and then every other inhabitant of the Nemacolin resort went absolutely ape shit.  

Adding new contestants into the mix makes sense if the original Bachelor or Bachelorette gets so enamored by a Party City model that they have to cancel the show and start fresh with a new person; but adding them on a whim because it would be exciting to drive a stake between the already fractious existing ladies and these new ones? Attila the Hun was less barbaric! I wonder if Matt told the producers he was done with Victoria’s shit and they needed to get some new ladies in the house otherwise he was going back to oiling his abdominal muscles with Tyler C on the beach? In characteristic form, Victoria reacted to the new ladies arriving by whining “who the fuck are these random ass hoes coming into the house?” and then proceeded to cement her status as a bastard Trump child by being staggeringly rude to the former Miss Puerto Rico, Catalina. She stole her crown, and I was half expecting her to start throwing paper towels in her direction such was her disdain for her new antagonist (God that video gets me every time.)

I was disappointed that Kim, the girl who had an enormous hole in the front of her dress, got sent home, I was very much looking forward to seeing her assless chaps at the next rose ceremony! Catalina obviously made it through; Matt probably thought there was a Wine Mixer on the line.  

The fall in love fest might as well have been named the basic bitch fest. A crisp fall day with changing leaves abound, leggings and Ugg Boots, and an obstacle course, it doesn’t get much more Autumnal than that! When I saw the pumpkin kayaking event I was half expecting the next task to be competitive posing for pics at the apple orchard, but alas, the girls had to dress up as squirrels and navigate a pretty simple looking obstacle course instead. Mari was the ultimate winner, although there was literally zero incentive for trying as all of the girls were invited to the same cocktail party in the evening.

During every season, there is always one “watch out for this person” moment, where one contestant gets a tip from their ex-girlfriends’ grandmothers’ bridge partner who didn’t quite have her hearing aids turned up when she heard a snippet of some tea about another contestant. We saw it in the most recent Bachelorette season with Yosef’s West Virginia DM sliding; the Hannah B Caelynn drama from Colton’s season was a similar knew-you-from-prior-to-the-show-drama situation, and this time around, it was Anna accusing Brittany of being an escort with about as much evidentiary basis as a Fox News primetime host trying to overturn an election. It’s a pretty horrific thing to say about someone that “she entertains men for money,” especially when there is legitimately zero indication that it is the case but it’s a dog eat dog world out there and Victoria and Anna think they’re fucking Clifford.

Matt’s next one-on-one date was with Michelle, one of the new girls drafted in to try and draw blood out of the proverbial stone and get Matt to display an ounce of personality. She had a great degree more success than any of her predecessors, and dare I say it, Matt actually came across as someone that wouldn’t make me want to gouge my eyes out hanging with. They zip-lined, both said that they wanted three kids in a totally unscripted moment and then went for a romantic hot-air balloon ride that must have been in contravention of social distancing rules for the poor guy who was steering the thing. It was the first time that Matt had actually seemed to enjoy himself, but was back to his robotic best at dinner, responding to what his favorite part of the date was, with: “when you walked up.” Matt, you went on a hot air balloon with a super attractive female, the question wasn’t “what was your favorite part of the stair-climbing competition?!” Michelle also got called out for quoting Maya Angelou and trying to pawn it off as something that she said (major Jack Black in the cafeteria in School of Rock vibes quoting Whitney Houston when asked his views on school testing). Matt was in full android mode by the end of the date when he told Michelle that she “embodies all the qualities I’m looking for…” Haven’t heard that one before!

Getting a date card that has the words “are you ready to fight for Matt?” on it can literally only mean one thing, and the ladies knew it. There’s no such thing as metaphysical “fighting” in Bachelor-world, when Chris wants fighting, he wants down and dirty, grievance airing, bone-splintering hand-to-hand combat, and this is what we were treated to. As is tradition, they gave Matt a few minutes to show off his blistering sled-pulling technique and let him squat a few logs before Mia St John (I can’t be the only one to have never heard of her?) was trotted out to inform the ladies that boxing would be their skirmishing technique for the date. Katie beat the fuck out of Jessenia, Serena beat the fuck out of Kit, Serena P got absolutely rocked in the nose and that was about it.

The rest of the episode was dominated by some good old-fashioned back and forth between Victoria and anyone that would listen to her. To quote one of my favorite sea shanties, the Wellerman came, brought sugar, tea and rum and the ladies completely ignored the sugar and tea and massively over imbibed on the rum. Katie once again took the moral high ground and told Matt about the bullying within the house and it appears as though this is where we will pick up next week! Until then…

The Mattchelor – Week 3 Recap

The concepts of motivational carrots and injurious sticks have been leveled to try and inspire particular personal behaviors for millennia. From antiquity to present however, no organization has managed to leverage them side-by-side to quite the effect as our friends at ABC, The Bachelor producers. This week, a fainting Sarah and the promise of a Victoria-Marylynn reckoning were the carrots plucked from the ground and dangled in front of The Bachelor’s leporine onlookers; and the prospect of having to listen to Victoria wallow in her fatuous and unsubstantiated self-pity presented a stick that hits with the integrity of a fresh-carved Louisville Slugger. I hope carrots are a good cure for concussion, because I signed up instantly and unashamedly for both!

The provenance of the Victoria-Marylynn feud has always been shrouded in mystery, certainly from an on-screen presentation perspective. Marylynn doesn’t strike me as the roommate from hell, but who knows, maybe she’s dropping in at Tilted Towers with the gals until 4am every night? Maybe she doesn’t remove her hair from the drain? I don’t want to cast aspersions, but based on the incredibly vitriolic reactions of Victoria, maybe she doesn’t flush? Whatever it is, Victoria has managed to aggrandize this rivalry to the extent that it will invariably lead to one of their departures. Marylynn didn’t handle Victoria’s offensives particularly well, a surprise, given that event coordinators have to consistently deal with irrational and incredibly neurotic individuals with over-inflated views of their own importance. She was like a deer in the headlights, more shell-shocked than kicked into action. I’m not planning any major events in the near future, but when Gordon Ramsay wants “the fucking lamb sauce,” I don’t know if Marylynn is the one I want in charge! It wasn’t shocking that Marylynn was ultimately sent home (rumor has it Victoria’s eye infection was so contagious that she couldn’t be released into the big bad world as it might have prompted a second pandemic) but still a little disheartening that Victoria, Donald Trump’s 17th child out of wedlock, was able to act so abhorrently with impunity.

The first group date was one of the most entertaining segments of television I’ve seen on the Bachelor in a long time (not saying a whole lot since Peter’s season made me want to self-immolate half of the time but still.) The ladies were tasked with following in the footsteps of Chris Harrison (who showed that his 50 shades weren’t just in reference to quarter-zip sweater colors but he had previously written an erotic novel entitled “The Perfect Letter”), and composing their own passage of an erotic novel. Matt went first, and to say that Napoleon Dynamite has given more compelling stump speeches on the campaign trail really fails to capture just how unspectacular Matt’s delivery was. There was talk of chocolate cake in the kitchen and kissing of skin between suit and hairline (did he just reveal his Hillary Clinton pant suit fetish?), but for all the sexual arousal he was able to inspire, the ladies might as well have been in a Professor Binns History of Magic lesson.

Unsurprisingly, some of the ladies warmed to the task more than others… On the one hand, Serena C, who clearly likes being peed on or something, said “if there was one thing that I wouldn’t want exposed, my sexual preferences are it” whereas on the other, Katie and Victoria were about as wide open as South Dakota’s COVID restrictions and their chapters were the literary equivalent of being beaten over the head with Katie’s vibrator! Bri’s chapter was like a children’s book where the princess and the stable boy hold hands and live happily ever after and was followed up by a one-two punch from Victoria and Katie that sounded like a New York City rush hour there were so many beeps. I hope to one day hear the unredacted versions (although we may have to wait until the Statute of Limitations expires because I’m pretty sure half of what Victoria was saying was illegal!)

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. What are we going to do with her? Her date with Matt was cute, but her behavior since has been eerily reminiscent of a person who had only ever watched Clare’s season of the Bachelorette and so thinks that contestants just waltz away with their men at their discretion. This is The Bachelor sweetheart, Matt has to develop lukewarm flirtations founded on a bed of sexual curiosity with about 6 women, and then hastily propose to one of them despite having slept with the other two just days prior; how hard is that to grasp?! Sarah is acting surprised that Matt isn’t paying her exclusive attention, and strolled over to interrupt the evening group date with a serious “burn-the-hotel-to-the-ground” look in her eyes. Interrupting a group date is not unprecedented, but for someone who clearly watched Clare’s season, Sarah should know that you should NEVER go full creepy Blake Moyne and crash dates like Vince Vaughn is your boss.

Not a hot take, this has been floating around the internet for a couple of weeks, but Matt kisses with his eyes open. He also goes for the over-lip hoover suck, something I haven’t seen since the scream extractor was almost applied to Mike Wazowski:

The date crash was largely uneventful, however Sarah thought it appropriate to apologize for taking time on the date, something that DID NOT go over well with the broader group.

Victoria is severely lacking in a lot of departments (given her dress choices, it’s clear the only sty she has is the eye infection), but emotional intelligence might be her greatest deficiency. Victoria coming to comfort you in your time of need would be like Hugh Hefner serving up some candid advice on the value of celibacy or something. In the indelible words of Hermione Granger, “she has the emotional intelligence of a teaspoon” and that is generous.

She led the are-you-ok conversation after following Sarah out of the room with: “your situation must be serious, we were worried for you” but followed it up immediately by devaluing her issues entirely with: “it was a personal conversation on our time.” If Victoria was the surgeon slicing into Sarah’s self-esteem, then Katie showed up with a salt grinder and limes to compound her misery. “Is this about your insecurities?” is a brutal thing to say to anyone but not as brutal as “I encourage you to really just figure it out” like it’s something that you can just turn on and off.

Matt did his best to comfort Sarah, characteristically reacquainting her with the lip Hoover to dam her floods of tears. While Matt’s intentions were no doubt pure, saying things like “I will stop by here every day because I have real feelings for you” and “this relationship is really real and it means a lot to me” only served to work Sarah up into an even more fragile state… much more to come here later!

Serena P’s date was pretty unspectacular on the whole. Matt asked for her help “making a cheese board” because he had never made one before… literally that is like asking someone for help putting on a t-shirt, you just slap some cheese on a board. By this point in the season, I would generally be expecting to see some fire and passion from The Bachelor; but Matt? He’s about as charismatic as Serena’s cheese board. He says all the right things, appeases all the crazy girls with placeholder words of affirmation, but is a bit bland on the whole… Between his rock-hard abs and rather dull personality, I was half expecting the donkeys that interrupted his date to comment on the “nice boulder” that was sitting next to Serena!

Their dinner date was equally as unenchanting.  Matt’s opening refrain of: “you did well today” is not usually what you tell someone on a first date and Serena responded to her strong performance by claiming she was “falling into like with you.” This is a good line that is emblematic of the entire process. I literally think that to not get a rose on a 1-on-1 with Matt you would have to spit in his face and tell him he looks like he ate too much pasta for dinner last night.

I really didn’t enjoy the closing sequence of this episode, which was effectively an exercise in seeing how far the girls could debase themselves in bullying Sarah for a really minor indiscretion. Victoria was throwing more jabs than Muhammad Ali in his prime and the under ticket of really unsavory ladies hurling shit at Sarah included Kit and Serena C who characterized Sarah as “calculated, manipulative, toxic” – speak for yourself girl. I guess if you put 16 girls in a couch circle with a grievance, a couple of sacks of Franzia Sunset Blush and a scapegoat then that is what you get? It was really unpleasant watching all of the ladies pile on, but Katie surprisingly emerged as the one who was above the childish antics. Who would have thought the girl who showed up on night one with a dildo was the most mature girl in the house?

Sarah still left, although her departure, with 45 seconds of B-roll Chevy Suburban pulling out of the resort, absolutely REEKS of a late-season return. Til’ next week folks!

The Bachelor Week 2 Recap – Matt James

The first episode of Matt’s season seems like it was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Between an alarming armed insurrection against our nation’s legislative branch, a new 30-track Morgan Wallen behemoth dropping last Friday, and trying to figure out how to transfer cable and internet services to a new NYC address, I was unable to dedicate the kind of time I normally would to cross-examining minute details of the previous Mondays’ show. Unfortunate, it was. Star Wars jokes aside, The Bachelor is a consistent and wonderful safe haven, and Victoria’s heinous activity aside, last night was a welcome return to just the droids I was looking for. Yes, the first episode wasn’t one for the history books, but Matt was right back to reminding us why The Bachelor, no matter how Lukewarm, will always say “I am your father” on Monday nights!

This season is taking place at the Nemacolin Resort in Farmington, PA. Despite sounding like a cream to treat rheumatoid arthritis, the hotel and surrounding environs actually look pretty stunning. One thing of note is I am starting to sense a little bit of a geographic disconnect between the enormous white façade that we were treated to for the introductions, and the so-called “Matteau” which is where the ladies hang around while Matt is out cavorting with his lovers. Have they just ditched that initial building in favor of a less luxurious, cheaper option? It’s a little bit like having your first date at Nobu and then following it up with nothing but trips to Arby’s for unlimited crispy fish platters; it’s still good, but not really the same from an expectation and outcome perspective…

The first 1-on-1 date of the season was with Bri, a communications manager from San Francisco. I know that they’re all cooped up in the same resort, but since when has the entire cast of the show come out to watch the other contestants leave to go on dates? No wonder Matt was shaking when he was trying to buckle up Bri’s helmet before their ATV riding date! The date looked kind of fun, but I was a little concerned with Matt’s inability to steer the ATV in a straight line on what were incredibly straight trails. This was a first date, riding a powerful and dangerous vehicle, with a presumably inexperienced accomplice, not Fast and Furious, Farmington Drift; maybe exercise some caution? Matt proceeded to flip over one of the ATVs, no doubt a ploy to flex his impressive deadlifting capabilities in flipping it back over, and then the two dirt-spattered, adrenaline-addled lovers indulged in a wood-fired hot tub experience. Obviously, there was some wood that needed chopping and Paul Bunyan’s lesser known African American brother braved the fall weather, wasting no time whipping off his shirt and revealing a set of abdominal muscles that would have sent Leonidas and co. traipsing back to Sparta with their tails between their legs. They kissed, had dinner, and are perfectly cute and boring together.

While Matt and Bri were canoodling in the hot tub and pretending to eat food by the swimming pool, Victoria was responding to not a single soul, complaining incessantly about everything and anything.  

“I don’t feel comfortable in the group right now, I wanna spend more time with Matt and don’t want to be a part of this sorority”


“Even though I don’t like the other girls and I don’t want to spend time with them, at least I get to see Matt tomorrow”

and finally,

“I’m so authentic and real” – leave that kind of rhetoric to Madi Prewett and the burner accounts sweetheart!  

Victoria has taken on the burden of being the most hated women in America and seemingly taken to her new-found role like a fish to water. She lashes out with unfounded attacks, she sows unnecessary discord amongst the group at every opportunity, and she does stuff that has my scalp rubbed red-raw due to excessive and bemused head-scratching. Evicting yourself from your own room and sleeping on a communal couch to prove a point in an argument that you entirely started and unnecessarily perpetuated was the chef’s kiss. Victoria could cut off her nose to spite her face in the middle of 5th Avenue and still find a way to blame it on poor Marylynn. The couch she ended up sleeping on did look nice if that’s any consolation to her likely shell-shocked family members who are watching.

The producers were not going to let a little rain impact the first group date of the season, a wedding dress photo shoot with the gay, coked out Arnold Schwarzenegger-Rafael Nadal lookalike Bachelor photographer, Franco (below)

The women made aggressive moves on the dresses, and even more aggressive moves on Matt as they stood for their pictures underneath the wedding boughs. Victoria was characteristically toxic, charging to the front of the line when it wasn’t her turn and leaving Matt looking like he had just won the raffle prize for an all-inclusive, 10-day cruise with the Gorgon Medusa.  

The next portion of the date involved a game of pseudo capture the flag called “capture the heart.” I was very happy to see that none of the ladies mysteriously resurfaced high school athletics injuries and tried to dip the game like their male counterparts… I guess the path to additional followers is paved with good intentions and even better joint health! There was some excellent footage of the ladies spilling and tripping all over the place, and while they all seemingly embraced the hand they had been dealt, they were probably hoping to get painted like one of Matt’s French girls, not by their fellow contestants with paint-smeared handbags and bouquets as brushes!  The phrase “win as a team, lose as a team” clearly hadn’t made it into these girls’ repertories yet, as they unanimously claimed to have tried harder than any of their other teammates.

Early contender for quote of the season: “There’s frosting on my boobs”

A quick aside,

Matt is growing into this season nicely, but he needs to stop licking his lips and rubbing his hands together like he’s about to take down a box of chocolate eclairs every time the ladies are around. He’s even doing it in his stock internet images. This is The Bachelor; you’re not preparing to lead a game-winning drive at Lambeau field in a frigid January playoff game!  

The second 1-on-1 date involved Alexis Rose-doppelgänger Sarah. Their date was a nice airplane ride to take in the Fall colors over the resort. Sarah’s comment that it looked like the “first ever plane” wasn’t completely unfounded, and given her clear infatuation with her plane partner, you’d have thought that she was up there with Mr. Wright!  

Most first dinner dates involve questions like: “do you have any siblings?” and “which civilization do you like to start on in Age of Empires II?” (If they don’t say the Byzantines (elephants are SO elite) then its bathroom, stealth exit, then home.) On The Bachelor however, first date conversation pre-requisites include: exploring deeply personal traumas, things you haven’t spoken to anyone about before, and intimate family matters.

Sarah threw an ice bucket on any first date pleasantries dousing Matt not with the superficial and contrived small talk that usually characterizes the early episodes of this show, but with a frosty shower of the cold, hard truth. She talked extensively about her father’s battle with ALS and moving home to be his primary care-giver. If nothing else, Sarah’s presence on the show has already acted as amazing ALS patient advocacy (Donate here to the ALS Association if ya like), but I think she is an early, and very genuine contender.

I hate to keep turning this blog back around to Victoria and her suffocating energy (or the fact that she looks like she’s been sleeping on the couch for 2 decades rather than 2 nights), but the show to this point has been disproportionately geared in her direction and Matt needs to do something about it. This is Matt’s first major test and currently, if Victoria is a proverbial Tucker Carlson, then Matt is the guy who lives in the Villages in Florida, drives his fat ass around in his golf cart all day and tells you to “do your own research” when you explain concepts such as vaccination to him, because he got his ass gas lit big time with Victoria’s insane Marylynn conspiracy theories. The exchanges were part hilarious, part sad, as you saw Marylynn melt under the weight of Victoria’s completely evidence-less claims of bullying and manipulation.

Ending the episode with a medical emergency? In this economy? Sarah nearly fainted on stage in a conveniently placed plot device to push the Marylynn Victoria decision to next week… as if I wasn’t gonna watch anyways… you’re gonna have to try better than that to put me off!

Talk to you next week people!

Mattchelor Episode 1 Recap – Bachelor Season 25

One aspect of this season that is immediately apparent, is that Matt has no fucking clue what he’s doing. Being the Bachelor is a lot like being a heart surgeon… You can have former heart surgeons (Tyler C/Hannah B) whispering sweet nothings into your ear about how to approach the situation, read everything on the internet about which fat to cut, and have Chris Harrison (still clearly buzzing from his bromance with Ed and one of the best to ever scrub in) fist bumping and chest pounding next to you, but when it’s you in that moment, thorny scalpel in hand and faced with the prospect of breaking hearts, the operating room is a lonely place for a first-timer.

So, what is Matt doing as The Bachelor? There are a couple of conspiracy theories floating around as to why this absolute Adonis would up sticks and risk it all for a two-month engagement and a couple hundred thousand Instagram followers…

The first is that he was so devastated at the new legislation coming down from Albany banning broker’s fees for NYC apartments that he needed a new pastime since his prior favorite of relegating struggling post-graduates to diets of ramen and wonder bread with mystery fees is over. Another, is that with the Coronavirus lockdowns, Matt’s New York City child outreach activities (which btw made Mother Theresa look like a fucking couch potato) were halted and so he thought he could make the biggest difference to the city’s youth by chaperoning Kit instead. The third theory (that is definitely floating around the internet and I didn’t just frivolously make up over my second cup of tea this morning,) is that he “got ripped in four weeks” and wants to show everyone that 8 minutes of cardio and 2×10 bicep curls just don’t cut it anymore. In his workout montage my man was mixing in mountain climbers, reverse crunches, some off-brand pull-up bar activities that made my lats hurt just watching…  Whatever his ultimate reasoning, he fits the bill of a rocket-launcher male who has “struggled with opening up and being vulnerable in the past.” Just how damaged he is, we will just have to wait and see.

A quick aside, I have missed the Orbit ads like the sun misses the flower. Like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter (S/O Knight’s Tale crew)

Now my expectations for this season did not start particularly high… Chris only referred to the first episode as “the exciting premier of the Bachelor.” If Chris can’t even work up some NEVER SEEN BEFORE and THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER energy then it doesn’t bode particularly well for the future… This being said, there do appear to be some interesting girls this season and whether Matt has the grit and guile to navigate them will be an intriguing test for him, and his ravenous viewers. Abigail is deaf, Magi is from Ethiopia, Anna the copywriter is really annoying, Sarah looks just like Alexis from Schitt’s Creek and so on and so forth. Going through the girls in exhaustive detail at this stage is a futile endeavor – rule number 1 of the Bachelor: NO emotional attachment until at least week 4 (except for Abigail – what a sweetheart.)

They really played up the new kid on the block thing right off the bat with Chris and Matt’s little Fireside Chat before the girls arrived. Chris certainly embraced his role as the soothing FDR-like figure, explaining what the New Deal was with the Coronavirus setup and starting to lay out how to build roads and bridges into these girls’ hearts. I was half expecting him to whip out the fabled classic: “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” but that would have been a lie, because Chris knew that Victoria was coming out of that limo and boy is she fucking scary.

There were two aspects of the automobile disembarkations that were particularly amusing to me, the first was the obese replica of the bird on the Twitter logo that was behind Matt as he greeted these ladies. The hotel itself is stunning, but I’m failing to see how this bird adds any real value to the otherwise magnificent décor. The second was Matt’s towering height in comparison to his diminutive potential brides. Matt’s stoop down hugs were eerily reminiscent of Hagrid trying to hug Harry after Gryffindor gets mysteriously gifted the House cup at the end of every year; or after Harry performs magic far beyond his meager learned capabilities and delivers victories in dark-wizard-duels or Tri-wizard-tasks. Matt is really tall.  

What is this fuckin bird doing?!

A few other observations from the girls’ exits:

Chelsea made up for her lack of hair by having the longest dress train in Bachelor history

Kristin really prosecuted the case with her line: “you have been found incredibly guilty of being fine” – that is pathetic

Serena, standing at a generous 5’2” brought a step to stand on and was still 3 inches shorter than him

Someone needs to tell Saleh that those are not goat feet, those are very much camel toes. (I was getting flashbacks to sloth girl – unfortunately they both befell the same fate and didn’t survive night one)

Emani displayed her inner realtor when she got out of the car, clearly physically incapable of looking at Matt due to the monstrous chateau behind them. I’m sure the broker fee would be pretty handy selling that bad boy!

Katie the bank marketing manager/dildo girl is getting fired for SURE after she’s done with the show. She all but admitted to being the female incarnation of Jeffrey Toobin with her “best friend” MJ the dildo during quarantine. “I strategized, and some of those girls are going to lose their minds because they didn’t come prepared.” Come on Katie, I’m watching this with my mother!  

When all the ladies had arrived, it was time for Matt to address the group before the first cocktail party. Clearly looking to get out ahead of things after seeing how Ivan was unceremoniously dumped for his atheism, Matt started out with a prayer wishing for universal strength amongst his would-be brides. Tayshia come get your mans!

The ladies started slowly filtering through, having short chit chats with Matt here and there. One interaction that was particularly entertaining was Kit giving Matt a New York City snow globe only to be interrupted by Victoria’s line “excuse me princess, but the queen is here.” I desperately wanted Katie to interrupt Kit with her dildo using the same line… There would have been something beautifully poetic about the princess being interrupted by a flashing, vibrating P. Regardless, you know the phrase a wolf in sheep’s clothing? I hope Kit doesn’t think she can hide her lupine tendencies underneath this fluffy white number (below) for the entire season… Her brewing feud with Victoria suggests she has some fight in her, and despite her trendy West Village roots, we’ll see if this wolf can take on Wall Street and pump and dump her competition en route to the top prize!  

Wolf in sheep’s clothing

Victoria is the most annoying character on the show by a long shot. “She is gross in every way” according to my mother, who watched her first episode ever last night. I do find it kind of hilarious that every single premiere episode someone goes to speak to the Bachelor twice and every other character bitches incessantly about it for the next 1-3 shows. Demi did it, Dale did it and it was Victoria’s turn to butt in to multiple conversations and then rub it in everyone’s faces while sipping a straw-less Aperol Spritz like a Neanderthal.   

Abigail ended up snatching the first impression rose in what was a truly heart-warming moment. It’s mind boggling to me that there are people who are able to read your lips as a substitute for listening. The only lips I can read are athletes telling other athletes to fuck off and even that can be difficult sometimes. She’s from Beaverton Oregon, and DAM was she looking fine last night! (I deleted and rewrote this line 4 times, it’s staying in!!)  

Deafinitely making an impression

There wasn’t anything spectacular that emerged from the first rose ceremony other that I’m fairly certain whoever is the Bachelor or Bachelorette has to employ some kind of method of loci sorcery to remember who the fuck some of these people are. I would get emotional that Alicia chasséd out the door, but I literally know nothing about her, the same applies to the rest of the girls who were axed before even speaking to their man. Victoria getting a rose was about as predictable as the sun rising in the east; the long suspenseful pause before the final rose wouldn’t have fooled the Bruins playoff rally towel that I often use to mop up spilled tea on my desk.

I was lukewarm about this season until I heard one silver-tongued lady react to additional contestants being introduced into the mix as: “random ass hoes coming into the house.” Paul Revere could only dream of delivering such an impactful refrain! One such “hoe,” is never been kissed Heather. Gets kissed one goddamn time and thinks she runs the show? You’re damn right she does. Buckle up people; the girls are getting nervous; the skittish are coming!

Bachelor Season 25 Preview – The Mattchelor

Hello wonderful Bachelor Stans and Stanettes! The collective sigh of relief heard across the United States after Tayshia’s season ended has given way to numerous mass nationwide episodes of foaming at the mouth… Whether this foaming was directly caused by the promotional materials of a topless Matt James chopping wood, or more general Bachelor franchise withdrawal, is unclear; what I do know is that the short wait in between Chris Harrison’s unscrupulous television jamborees is over, and tonight we get to once again desecrate our minds and bodies and subject ourselves to another season of quarantine Bachelor. No one really knows what this season will look like… will it be a repeat of the Bachelorette where we have to watch hours of B-roll filler showing the La Quinta in all of its sweaty mediocrity? Or will we be back to gallivanting around the globe, bemusing small town inhabitants in South America and shedding light on shitty American cities with liberally funded tourism boards (I’m looking at you Cleveland). Whatever happens, we can be sure that there will be none of the fraternal pleasantries shared by Tayshia’s men. These ladies mean business! Here are a few randomly selected ladies who either looked nice in their cover shots, or had interesting names:   

Alicia began pursuing her dream of becoming a ballerina at aged 13, approximately 10-years after most professional ballerinas first strap on a pink tutu and begin pursuing said dream… While she’ll be hoping Matt is the Romeo to her Juliet, the Pas to her Deux, if their initial interactions are not on pointe, then expect to see her grand jeté out of the door early on. It is notoriously difficult to stand out from the crowd in the early stages of any season, and the girls she’s coming up against aren’t the exalting crowds at the Dance Theater of Harlem to which Alicia is accustomed. I don’t love Alicia’s chances to stand out in this field; imagine she’ll be just another Bachelor ballet corpse when all is said and done.

Casandra hates it when people eat food off her plate, which ensures that she is indeed a human being and not a robot; probably a good pre-requisite for a social worker. It’s nice to have another social worker in the mix this year after Madison Prewett dodged Pilot Pete’s journeyed joystick last season. Casandra is probably thanking her lucky stars that Covid has forced the postponement of Matt’s parents’ vow renewal ceremony this year so she can’t befall the same fate as her professional predecessor – I still cringe at that date.

In 1994, Kaylee, Kayleigh, Kailey, Kaylie, Kailee, Kaleigh, Kaley, Kayley, Kayli and Kaily, were the ten most popular variants of the name Kaylee. Apparently Kaili’s parents didn’t give a shit about any of these and went for their own iteration. Kaili will certainly be hoping she’s the hostess with the mostest in Matt’s eyes.  

Dad wanted Jessica; Mom wanted Antonia; It’s not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves us along; their baby Jessenia is hoping that she will be loved by the end of this season!

Kit lives with her parents in the West Village, is a senior at NYU and hasn’t had a serious boyfriend since her first love in high school. WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING ON THIS SHOW? She should be struggling to balance on a three-legged lawn chair in a fraternity basement, drinking warm keg beer and belting out Asher Roth songs verbatim, not vying for the heart of Tyler C’s buddy in an attempt to kick start her fledgling fashion label. Kit is a fashion entrepreneur, something that we have in common. People forget I sold two Yale Basketball T-shirts for $5 each after rising like a majestic salmon and snatching them out of the clutches of a seven-year-old kid at the 2015 Blue Madness pep rally. I’m not sure which of ESPN’s 30 for 30 or Forbes’ 30 Under 30 will come knocking first!

There are lots of interesting fun facts that appear on the contestants’ individual bio pages online, but Pieper’s offering that she “doesn’t like picnics because the thought of sitting on the ground and eating is not appealing to her” might be the worst of the lot. As a graduate student, her aversion to picnics is curious; I was under the impression that 75% of graduate school is sitting out in the quad in tortoise shell spectacles and rifling through New Yorker totes for crumbled Nature Valley bars… maybe I’m wrong? This Pieper will be hoping she doesn’t have her face Pied and have to head for an early shower!

It is always interesting to see successful professionals upend their careers to come on a show that is designed to catapult micro-influencers and aspiring models into the middle-echelons of Instagram cosmetics advertising. Kristin’s bio says lots of things about balancing career with love blah blah blah. As far as I’m concerned, she’s a front runner as she loves to “belt out classic Disney songs” during karaoke night. With this in mind, she’ll be hoping her and Matt’s relationship will bop to the top and not just stick to the status quo this coming season!

Carolyn’s bio was a bit wishy washy but my main takeaway was that she’s looking for a man who has a warm heart and is passionate about philanthropy. OK Carolyn, I don’t want to blow your cover and say the quiet part out loud here, but there are certain implicit characteristics of those who are “passionate about philanthropy” that you may be leaving out of your bio. Yes, you may like their philanthropic intentions, but there are the obvious positive externalities like philanthropists being really fucking wealthy as well… Saying you want to marry a passionate philanthropist is like saying you want to marry a Lululemon store attendant. While both may be indicative of warm hearted individuals, you’re really just in it for the 40% employee discount!  

My 2020 bingo card missed most of the groundbreaking international events that we were subjected to last year, and should act as no surprise that my 2021 card is off to a similarly poor start. You’re probably thinking “how could you omit an Ethiopian pharmacist who shares a name with ancient Zoroastrian priests vying for supremacy on the Bachelor?” well to my great regret, I unfortunately did. Magi seems awesome and I want her to win. She grew up in a small town in Ethiopia (before you ask, no, she is not one of Madonna’s adopted children) and alongside her pharmacist gig, runs a non-profit that sends shoes back to girls in her hometown. That’s kickass.

As a fairly prolific producer and promoter of infantile nicknames, I can’t see a world in which Illeana was not bestowed with the nickname “ill” in high school. Given that her most recent culinary creation as a health food developer was called “Funky Munky Energy,” you could be excused for thinking that “ill” was short for “illiterate” and not her aforementioned name; regardless, she’ll be hoping that her alimentary indulgences and creepily curly hair give Matt all kinds of romantic sickness! According to her bio, “Illeana would rather curl up on the couch with a glass of wine rather than hit the town and go barhopping” – funny that, as I could have sworn I saw her energizing the dancefloor at the Brass Munky pre-covid!

Happy Watching people! Subscribe for this season’s recaps in your inbox 🙂

The Bachelorette Finale

If the La Quinta is looking to use this season of The Bachelorette to attract future customers in search of a quiet couples’ haven or a radio silent bunker for business retreats, they really need to re-evaluate their security protocols. If Bennett, the least subtle person in the world, was able to infiltrate Tayshia’s compound with his dodgy knee in his snakeskin loafers then of course it wasn’t going to be a challenge for Ben to throw his hat back in the ring and vie for Tayshia’s heart once more. It’s the finale of the 16th season of The Bachelorette. Ivan, Zac, and chronic rule-breaker Ben are the three remaining men. Let’s jump in.

The Rose Ceremony followed what was an unnecessarily protracted conversation between Tayshia and Ben where Ben basically poured out every emotion he could muster up. The rose ceremony began somewhat uncomfortably between the three men… “Obviously you don’t see Brendan here today – things just didn’t work out” – Come on Tayshia, you’re not telling your kids that you and daddy are getting a divorce because he didn’t let what happens in Vegas stay there. No need to be so diplomatic, the remaining contestants are big boys (except Ben; Ben is really annoying). Ben asking, “what do you think is wrong with her?” when she grabbed Ivan for their little conversation was pretty much the dumbest question ever. Have a little self-awareness pal, you’ve shown up unannounced (dressed up like you’re something else), you don’t have to be the poster child for camo combat pants and married to Chad Kroeger to realize that things are a little bit Complicated here!

Tayshia and Ivan’s conversation was never going to end well, but Tayshia dropping the “I wish I could say there were a lot of red flags before this, but fundamentally religion is part of my beliefs?” WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM? Religion? Really? Religion was the breaking point? Does Ivan have some kind of Zoroastrian fire fetish? Is he in a blood-sucking, devil worshipping, Satanic sex cult? Maybe he couldn’t convince Tayshia to subscribe to his Koreshian religious cult of personality “Ivangelicalism?” I understand that Tayshia is a devout Christian (not that this means anything but she has some psalms in her Instagram bio), and not to get into the weeds about nuanced religious belief systems, but Tayshia’s prior divorce and her presence on a show that essentially glorifies polygamy, might suggest a level of denominational tolerance that wouldn’t preclude anyone from marrying her based on their beliefs? Faith means a lot of different things to a lot of different people, and it isn’t my place, nor anyone else’s, to question how faith directs an individual’s decision-making, it’s just Ivan is a real sweetie and I’m struggling to see how religion became a wedge issue in an otherwise happy relationship. Interestingly, Ivan didn’t seem too surprised, or even disappointed that he got the chop… probably shouldn’t have spent their entire night in the Fantasy Suite using his physics degree to debunk Bible stories!

Tayshia’s family is cute as hell. Her dad in particular had his finger right on the pulse of what was going on. Tayshia lobbed him a real soft ball at the beginning “so Ben, where did you go to college?” Again, come on Tayshia, you’re not Sean Hannity interviewing Donald Trump and trying to galvanize your audience into thinking that light shines out of his every orifice – ask why he stripped naked in front of you, or why he can’t string four words together when he’s trying to express his deep feelings. All things considered, Ben did a pretty good job of selling himself to Tayshia’s family, but he needs to stop saying stuff like “She makes me feel unlike anyone has made me feel” and “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before” OVER AND OVER AGAIN. It’s also interesting how ego-centric Ben’s musings about Tayshia are. It’s always how she makes ME feel and how happy HE is about their relationship. Ben doesn’t ever elaborate on which aspects of Tayshia he is particularly drawn to, or how he envisions their life together… this came back to bite.

Zac has really grown on me this season and his performance with Tayshia’s family only reinforced this. There are contestants in this show who tell the bachelor or bachelorette what they want to hear, but this is not the case with Zac. Every time he is on camera, it’s as if he’s a dog who has just received a particularly juicy bone His body language is radiant, he can’t stop smiling and he looks so genuinely happy to spend even fleeting moments with Tayshia. At the beginning of the season, when I view it as my sole responsibility to dunk on all of the guys at every possible opportunity, I thought Zac was a McConaughey lite with a coke problem. But his battles with addiction, his ability to really compellingly articulate how he views his current life as a second chance, and most importantly the way that he genuinely cares for Tayshia made him stand out in a way that I wasn’t expecting at all.

Where Brendan would rather have braved X than look at wedding rings and acknowledge the proximity of a potential engagement to Tayshia, Zac embraced the wedding dance with open arms. The same could not be said of Tayshia… This was kind of predictable as we entered the inevitable pre-engagement phase where the producers are trying to invalidate all of the relationships at once in an effort to build suspense for the grand finale, but the constant cut away shots to her in the denim shirt saying things like “this is a lot,” “I don’t know what I think,” and “I’m really confused right now” were a bit much.

I am not a divorcee so this paragraph might be complete hogwash, but I thought Tayshia and Zac’s date provided an interesting glimpse at some of the existential insecurities that Tayshia is feeling about her relationships having been hurt by someone in the past. The same insecurities were abundantly clear with Brendan, who was so overcome by the prospect of having to propose to someone who he had even minor doubts about that he excluded himself (wisely) from the entire process completely. Tayshia clearly feels the pressure (not helped by her dad basically saying, “don’t fuck this up”) of having been married before, and the trepidation that comes with the hurt of divorce didn’t really materialize until this episode when shit started to get real. What I found most interesting from a psychological perspective (B dash in intro psych not a big deal) was how Zac, despite having been married before also, appeared less impacted by the uncertainties of remarriage because of his addiction issues and the new lease on life that his sobriety has afforded him.  He articulated beautifully how strongly he felt about Tayshia as an individual, not just how she makes him feel (take notes Ben), and how her insecurities about the future weren’t an issue for him because he was willing to grow and accommodate her wishes and pursuit of happiness alongside his.

After Ivan left to go back to life as a devout member of the Westboro Baptist Church, Tayshia’s choice was really obvious: Matthew McConaughey lookalike who fawns over you with the love and affection of a cat to a string; or guy who is hot, but can’t make up his mind how he feels about you until his status as the darling of Bachelorette Twitter comes in jeopardy.   

“I know what my heart wants and it’s not Ben” is definitely one of the coldest lines in Bachelorette history, and while I felt sorry for Ben when he was initially sent home, my patience for his indecision was finally up. It’s cute that he still wants Tayshia to be happy – “When you love someone, you want them to be happy” – I still maintain that this is how I feel about Vanessa Hudgens circa 2006 during the High School Musical Days – but it must have been some pretty shitty déjà vu getting flicked twice in the same week. Interestingly, Tayshia did the exact same thing to Bennett… Was her ex-husband named Ben or something because she seems hell bent on breaking guys-with-the-prefix: “Ben”’s hearts over and over again

With Ben out of the picture and Neil Lane awkwardly maintaining quarantine and wandering around the compound waiting to drop a ring off, it was time for Zac to make his move on the lady who his love for “transcends any physical beauty.” I didn’t have Zac out as a particularly scrutinous scholar of Aristotelean philosophy, but I guess he thinks that he can contravene his idea that “the soul never thinks without a picture.” Regardless, it was nice of the producers to go back to the same spot where Claire opened up Jason’s heart and then smashed it to pieces like the tablets they wrote their deepest darkest secrets on.

I’m not going to dwell on Zac’s speech for too long, by this point in the season you’ve read far too many of my peripatetic musings to want much more, but he really does seem to be wildly in love with Tayshia and I’m genuinely happy that they have ended up together. There was one heart-dropping moment when Tayshia, in response to a long soliloquy from her soon-to-be fiancé said, “I know that I told you that I loved you THE LONGEST PAUSE IN HISTORY it’s more than that” (to any country music fans, this is the exact narrative in the hit Russell Dickerson song “Love You Like I Used To” where he claims he doesn’t love this girl like he used to, he loves her more every single day) but it was quickly resolved and Zac didn’t even have the courtesy to put the ring on before savagely massacring her face.  

What a ride this season has been! Yes, I like the Bachelorette, but everyone who knows the inner workings of my soul is well aware that The Bachelor transcends all else. January 4th can’t come quick enough!

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