Blake Moyne is really annoying – I have said this over and over again but every time his Quagmire-like jaw opens up and starts spewing a positive pyroclastic flow of premonitions about his and Katie’s relationship, I pour myself a stiff drink, drink it, and then pour myself another. Blake is a seasoned campaigner, and just like a 10th century knight embarking upon his third crusade in a year, he knows that to get to the Holy Land of the Fantasy Suites and beyond, he has to both satisfy the needs of the celestial producers and those of the prize that awaits him after he spills some Saracen blood – Katie. He got the 1-on-1 date 15-minutes after coming on the show, and then proceeded to state that “until you have a 1-on-1 you’re 100% behind” to poor Brendan, who has been too busy crushing the free beers on the show to actually spend any time with Katie. Much to Brendan’s chagrin, it was Greg who received the 1-on-1 date.
Greg and Katie’s date was another really befuddling viewing experience. After a long walk/kissing session they reached a very mediocre replication of a Seattle fish market? As one traditionally does in the fish market, Katie didn’t consult the fishmonger about the freshness of the fish, or if there were any specials in that day, she picked up a fish and chucked it at her date. Greg, the self-proclaimed fisherman, responded “that thing was just flopping in the air and it scared the shit out of me.” The next part of the date was eating oysters (no wonder Katie is so sex positive) and then picking out flowers before fucking around on a makeshift football field in the desert. The only touchdown within 100 miles of this place was the one that Greg received from Katie at every opportunity she got, and the two wiled away the afternoon discussing the difficulties of being in the Bachelorette environment and Greg mentioning that he hadn’t introduced anyone to his mother in a long time – red flag huh? One observation before we move on to dinner, they clearly don’t have barbers in New Mexico because Greg’s hair is becoming awfully reminiscent of an ornamental curtain in a Bridgerton Manor window!
Now this might be a hot take, but over the course of the day and over dinner I thought that Greg was holding back – can’t really describe it but he seems to be having some trepidation about Katie, and potentially getting married to someone who is currently and feverishly dating a ton of other dudes. The guy has been watching his Instagram following explode, he hasn’t seen the outside world in a long time, who can blame him for wanting to test the waters with the great and the good of Bachelor Nation who have fallen madly in love with him over the course of the show? Whatever he was actually feeling, Greg said all the right things, such as “I feel like the luckiest man in the world, you just amaze me every day” and then they proceeded to live every child’s hot-summer-day fantasy and fuck around in a sprinkler-induced rainstorm for the ages. Greg obviously got the rose, although the stuff that they were saying about each other, I’m pretty sure he’s being set up for an astronomical fall from grace.
Andrew, Blake, Michael A, and Brendan were selected for the group date, which is hilarious because Brendan reacted in such a typically Brendan way in expressing his disappointment. “My family would love you, my dad would just love to drink beers with you.” If that’s the best you can come up with then you don’t deserve to be carrying the flag for Canada in the quest for Katie’s heart. Brendan showed himself out, after a quick chap stick application at Katie’s door, and it’s about damn time.
The group date was another event unbecoming of the seriousness with which some of the contestants are treating this process. Michael A in particular wants to know lots of incredibly important things about what kind of mother Katie is gonna be etc. and Katie decides to show the guys a bunch of vagina flower pictures and have them express their love for her in artistic form? Justin, who is an actual artist, drew some kind of post-apocalyptic sushi situation, and Blake Moyne once again displayed the emotional maturity of a 12-year old boy in a sex ed class and drew something that was NSFW. Everyone remembers the sculpted clay penis from last season, and while I initially thought Blake had gone for a Rothko-esque all-black painting, this was just the ABC parental controllers preventing us from seeing his masterpiece. Blake followed up his artistic performance with a line worthy of Dickens himself: “I’m not in love right now, but the way it’s going it’s fucking inevitable…” Spoiler alert, but I’m heated – To think that this bonehead ended up getting a rose in the ceremony at the expense of Andrew S is absolutely unfathomable. Michael (and his son) ended up receiving the group date rose which slightly cooled my boiling blood courtesy of Blake Moyne.
Mike P was the second 1-on-1 date of the episode and of course they made the virgin assume numerous sexual postures after a consultation with a cuddling specialist. What is interesting about this, is that while Mike hasn’t ever had sex before, I’m sure he’s the absolute king of cuddling (or should I say KKKuddling given the gowns they were instructed to wear!) The date was incredibly awkward (it almost had Tayshia and Blake Moyne chakra vibes) and while I thought Mike P was kind of a stud at the beginning, he’s turned into a sopping wet blanket who seems incapable of saying anything other than contrived lines that sound like they’re from fortune cookies. “Growth happens when you’re uncomfortable,” “I’d rather have my heart broken 100x over than break somebody’s heart,” and “Believe me, if it were up to me I’d be humping everything” were his three choicest lines no doubt! It wasn’t super surprising that Mike was sent home, especially after he told Katie point blank whilst spooning her that she reminded him of her mother – they didn’t need to make Mike walk out of there wearing his robe though… he looked like he was doing a morning after Halloween walk of shame dressed in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fat suit or something. Mike said in response to his cutting loose that “I’m bummed I’m not going to be spending life with you” – what a weirdo!!
The remaining two roses went to Blake and Justin; both heinous candidates when stacked up against charming and chiseled Andrew S. There was then this wild goose chase where Andrew came back, Katie was crying and confused, Andrew left her a Chernobyl-level toxic note saying “If you change your mind, I’ll be waiting” and then Katie chased after him only to be shut down because Andrew S wants to be chosen by his future wife – fair enough.