Bachelor Week 3 Preview

It’s not often that the producers of The Bachelor are compared to the architects of early twentieth century Middle Eastern territorial accords; however, the more I think about it, the more I cannot help but notice the startling parallels that exist between said producers and the eponymous creators of the infamous 1916 Sykes Picot agreement. In a nutshell, Sykes and Picot were diplomats tasked with redrawing the borders of the Ottoman Empire and are often pinned as the fathers of modern Middle Eastern malcontent; and The Bachelor producers are charged with chaperoning 32 besotted and highly volatile girls as they navigate a quest that makes Odysseus’s return from Troy look like a stroll in the park. Struggling to see the connection? Imagine for a second that the ladies vying for Peter’s heart are Middle Eastern tribal groups and the Bachelor house is the region where they must coexist. You would hope that those in charge of drawing territorial and inter-personal lines between these tribal groups would opt for the most harmonious coexistence possible, and would pay some mind to the friction that exists between actors. Just as Mark Sykes and Francois Picot drew the borders of the modern Middle East with uninformed and reckless abandon, so too do the Bachelor’s producers sow the seeds of discord and cultivate chaos between the ladies in the house with a whimsical disregard for domestic tranquility. The big difference? Sykes and Picot were ignorant to the implications of their organizational actions whereas The Bachelor producers facilitate and exacerbate existing conflicts with the deliberateness and dexterity of a Swiss watchmaker. The results of their sinister plot manipulations are nothing short of explosive, here are a couple of production meeting tidbits:

Producer 1 to producer 2: “Let’s insert the embattled and highly contentious Hannah B right in the thick of things at the beginning of the season to rile up the girls and reduce Peter to a sniveling wreck”

Producer 1 to producer 2: “Kelsey and Hannah Ann just had a bust-up, lets send them on a date where their looks are being starkly compared by an audience of fashionistas and the man who is choosing between them to be his future wife”

Ever wonder why Peeves the poltergeist was allowed to stay at Hogwarts? Or why people watch NASCAR? (the crashes duh). Ever wonder why six million of your fellow Americans sacrifice their Monday nights at the altar of Chris Harrison every week? People thrive on chaos and sign me up for a double dose next week!

Some other thoughts, comments and concerns with a view to Monday night:

In the field of electromagnetism, it is universally understood that opposite poles attract and like ones repel. While the Bachelor is undeniably electric and my attraction to it is strongly magnetic, it is clear from Kelsey and Hannah Ann’s recent interactions that their opposition is no source of mutual attraction. I would more accurately describe it as a shit show of epic proportions that shows no sign of letting up anytime soon. I cannot be the only one who sees Champagne-gate for what it is: a producer-induced gimmick, but honestly, regardless of its provenance as long as it fans the flames then who the hell cares? In the indelible words of Pat Benatar, “Love is a Battlefield” and at this point the stage is set, the participants are in their corners, and the historical parallel could not be clearer: this is the Battle of the Bulge and the theater of war is Peter’s pants.

I fear that Hannah Ann is becoming Bachelor Nation’s bête noire, a mark that I don’t think is totally fair, especially given her headwear homage to Lizzie McGuire during the runway walk last week. Turns out that now all you have to do is impersonate people called Hillary to have vast swaths of the American public chanting, blogging and Tweeting to have you proverbially locked up… I thought that stuff was So Yesterday but apparently not! All of this in the wake of Disney’s announcement that they would be shelving Hillary Duff’s much slated return to the role that made her famous… ugh, neither of these hat-wearing heroines deserve this kind of treatment! WITCH HUNT!

The more I think about Victoria F’s purported runway confidence issues, the more the words of Knives Out’s gentleman sleuth Benoit Blanc, “I suspect foul play,” stick in my mind. A major part of The Bachelor’s shtick week-to-week is propelling the contestants out of their comfort zones and while Victoria F projected a lack of confidence beforehand, her ultimate performance on the strip was reminiscent of “The Panther” Karlie Kloss herself! While the Hannah Anntelope ended up getting away, Victoria F’s predacious performance adds more weight to the idea that she is playing the sympathy-for-roses card. Her name isn’t Noel, but after the trench-coat lingerie stunt and passionate mid-walk kiss, no doubt Peter will be having dreams about her ringing his bell! (Also did anyone else not know that the lead singer of Wheatus is a guy?!?!?! Who knew!) I could be completely wrong on this and she’s totally genuine, (I also in no way want to impugn the potential mental health implications of going on The Bachelor – they are no doubt numerous and significant) but the whole episode and surrounding emotionality really peaked my legitimacy radar.

Let’s just hope for the sake of all the girls in the house that Peter doesn’t have a cold sore, because his make-out rate is a truly staggering thing to behold. Colton was like a middle-schooler. Making out was his sex. He would build and build and build to an intense climax and then BAM -> make-out time. As we know from Pete’s extensive windmill exploits, these make-outs are nothing more than an amuse bouche for a weary campaigner like himself. Maybe take it easy next episode? Pete, if you’re reading this you’re probably thinking my reaction is born from jealousy… well I tell you, that’s only about 93% the case… The dialogue seriously suffers as a result of your trigger-happy tonsil tickling and if there’s one thing that keeps me coming back to The Bachelor, boy is it the dialogue!

Three things to look out for:

  1. Freshman Deminar

By all accounts, it’s been a big week for ladies named Demi. Demi Lovato was announced as the Superbowl anthem singer (hammer the over) and it was teased at the end of last episode that we would be reacquainted with the everyone’s favorite disaster, Demi Burnett. What next? Demi Moore announces that she’s lining up a Striptease 2 or that her and Bruce Willis are back on? All I know is that she’s an excellent follow on Twitter even if she was talking openly about her desire to do drugs this week!

This season is in dire need of a Demi-like character to grab the bull by the horns and make some shit happen – hopefully her presence rubs off on some of the other girls

2. Pillow fights

These were teased in the promo as well… Pillow fights are sweet from a participation and a viewing standpoint and hopefully the girls will use it as an opportunity to hammer out some pent up frustrations with one another. I wonder if it will be every woman for themselves or more of a team death match type setup? Tilted Towers, I’ll be there.

3. More Hannah from Heaven?

It is still a mystery as to whether Hannah B will play any additional role in this current season, however the internet is already awash with rumors that Hannah will be back for a second season as the Bachelorette after Chris Harrison politely referred to her as a “trainwreck.” Four consecutive seasons… yikes! In the winter, she was given the Colt shoulder, during her Spring season as the Bachelorette once again love failed to blossom, we are currently experiencing an arid summer, her eyes the obvious exception (although who knows how this season will shake out), and maybe a fourth, Fall season? One can only hope that her fortunes change with the leaves! Remember Bachelor producers, when you’re down and troubled, and need a helping hand filling out the bracket; Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall, all Chris has to do is call and Hannah’ll B there yes, she will, you’ve got a friend.

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