One of my most loyal and fervent readers asked me earlier this week if I had ever experienced writer’s block in the production of this here blog. My response was measured, but the sentiments behind it were impassioned and heart-felt: “Do you think Michelangelo had painter’s block whilst painting the Sistine Chapel? Do you think Pat Riley had coach’s block while molding the Magic and Kareem-led ’87 Lakers? Do you think Summer Hathaway had class factotum and band manager’s block when leading The School of Rock to a second place finish in Battle of the Bands? Sometimes artists are presented with circumstances that are so unique, actors and materials that are so special, that the strokes of their brushes, the designs of their plays and the arrangements of their Principal Mullins-averse band practices are not their own, but are endowed with a kind of metaphysical force that breaks through conventional creative malaise.” This very force is tapping on my keyboard right now. This same force possessed Chris Harrison one score and four years ago when the Bachelor emerged from the womb as a straight-shooting, beer-drinking, rule-breaking, won’t-take-a-good-thing-too-far television juggernaut. This is all to say that The Bachelor gushes a fountain of drama-rich content so Old and so Faithful, that by comparison, if Don McLean drove his Chevy to the Trevi, he would see that the Trevi was dry! It’s almost as if they script it!
We are finally getting towards the business end of season 24 of The Bachelor, and by finally, I mean already? I think this Bachelor jetlag is likely being exacerbated by my assumption that because Victoria F is still around, there must be loads of other nice, humble, stable girls around that Peter can fall in love with as the season winds its inexorable way towards a premature engagement. There are not, and Peter has left in his wake a trail of broken hearts that looks eerily like Wednesday’s Democratic Debate stage. Next week is Fantasy Suites and alas, Pilot Peter is stuck with a psychopath, a tween and a virgin; I think I heard a joke about them walking into a bar a couple of weeks back; suffice to say, things did not end well!
I’ve been grappling with the prospect of Fantasy Suites for a little while now but thought I would spare a moment to think about what some of the other girls might be up to. Kelsey is back in Iowa, nursing herself back to health through a strict diet of soggy crab Rangoons and stolen champagne. Kelley is likely discovering that no one wants to hire an attorney who wasn’t even able to get Peter a cent of compensation for his golf-cart-induced head gash. Sydney is rampaging around all of her former high school classmates’ houses, breaking in under cover of the night and destroying their yearbooks. Tammy has quit her job as a house flipper and has decided to retrain as a full-time Muay Thai instructor. And finally, Deandra, following a bruising performance in the Bachelor bowl football game, has been snapped up by the California Lingerie Football League. She makes her debut for The Thousand Oaks Thong Thieves this Saturday against The Palos Verdes Panty Pirates. Heavyweight tilt.
Sticking to the sports theme, I don’t know how this wasn’t clear to me earlier, but Peter is quite obviously the player-pilot for the Houston Astros. His road splits last year at Fantasy Suite Park were outstanding, batting a clean 1000% with zero strikeouts before being thrown out at the plate with the Championship on the line. There was some controversy surrounding his performance however, with Commissioner Chris Harrison launching an investigation into four distinct banging noises coming from a windmill, one each time he went up to bat. Word on the street is that deputy commissioner Madison Prewett has already handed Peter a one night suspension that she’s trying to increase to three. I’m sure he’ll be praying it’s no more than that! Think twice before you draft Peter in this year’s fantasy suite… confusion, lack of conviction at the plate and poor decision-making on the base paths have plagued his Spring Training!
The preview clips for the remainder of the season have been excellent thus far; leaps and bounds juicier and more mysterious than being battered over the head repeatedly by the Colton fence jump cudgel. Perhaps the most contentious of these revelations concerned Madison’s virginity and the supposed ultimatum that she gave to Peter with Fantasy Suites forthcoming. “I wouldn’t be able to move forward if you have slept with the other women;” definitely not what the bachelor with the highest MOPE (Make-Outs per Episode) index in the history of the show was looking to hear. Peter is in a real pickle here. Obviously he doesn’t want to jeopardize his chances with Madison, who he genuinely likes, but he’s literally been keeping Victoria F around for this exact moment, and Hannah Ann just reached the age of consent last week and is looking to realize her recently acquired potential! Unfortunately for Peter, his sexual impropriety will be very difficult to conceal from Madison given the hundreds of cameras trained in his direction 24/7, bedroom and all. There is little doubt that Madison will be scouring the footage looking for any chinks in Peter’s celibate armor; I guess we’ll have to call this one the “The Porn Ultimatum.”
I am excited to see exactly how Madison approaches the subject of her virginity. I see her soliloquy going something like this: “I made it through the wilderness, somehow I made it through, didn’t know how lost I was until I found you. I was beat, incomplete, I’d been had, I was sad and blue, but you made me feel, yeah, you made me feel shiny and new… I’m, like, a virgin.” I’m not sure if Madison or her parents are old enough to know anything about Madonna, but Madison would do well to channel the singer and transform The Queen of Pop into The Queen of Stop! No doubt Peter will act shocked and surprised by her admission. Peter don’t preach, she’s made up her mind, she’s keeping her virginity!
Hannah Ann and Victoria F are more side shows in this episode. Obviously their activities will massively impact what goes down between Madison and Peter, but everyone will be waiting with baited breath to see how Peter spins it if he does get down with one of the other girls. No doubt Madi’s Fantasy Suite will be at the end, leaving maximum time to sow the seeds of chaos in the build-up, and it will be interesting to see exactly what drama Victoria F is able to conjure out of thin air, and whether Hannah Ann uses her Sonic experience to kick things into overdrive with Peter now that things are able to go up a notch.
I’m excited, I hope you are too, happy watching and talk to you Tuesday