Bachelor Week 5 Preview

Nothing is a more compelling wake-up call than your parents getting you a step-counting, goal-setting, fitness watch for Christmas. This shiny little wrist wrap does a number of cool things: It tells the time worse than my phone does, it allows me to set step goals for the day and buzzes when I achieve them (*narrator voice* – “it never buzzes”), it sometimes chafes uncomfortably, incurring vast and unbudgetable CeraVe moisturizer costs and dermatological damage, and it tracks my sleep, giving it a score every night based on a completely arbitrary set of designfully misleading metrics. I’m not sure if its functionality was developed with self-esteem degradation in mind, but hell, it might as well be screaming “Mason Ramsey is 12 and is more than you will ever be” on repeat given its efficacy in so doing. This watch also has the ability to track heart rate, and it’s very well that it does given its qualifications as a self-esteem cudgel, because as if to sink another dagger into my already down-trodden dignity, watching the Bachelor this week was the highest that heart rate had gone in weeks. Et tu, Watche?

A couple more thoughts with an eye on Monday:

The 2000 Camp David Summit between US President Bill Clinton, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak and Palestinian Authority chairman Yasser Arafat was intended to deliver a lasting peace to one of the most fraught regions in the world. Ultimately, the talks broke down after Bill Clinton, not thinking that the Palestinian leader spoke any English, repeatedly greeted him with the words: “You sir, are fat;” however, while the leaders were unable to bring about a two-state solution, they did lay the groundwork for the lesser-known, but equally as influential “two-episode-solution.” Referred to by Arianna Huffington as: “the most significant development in blogging since Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales,” the two-episode solution lays out a roadmap for how to approach a week of reality television that contains not the customary one, but the downright indecent two episodes of your favorite reality T.V. show. 2 blogs. You have to write 2 blogs. Think my sleep score is gonna like that? Thanks Bill. Boy can I not wait though.

Peter needs to come to terms with the fact that some of the girls may have been romantically involved with other men before the show. They are, after all, trying their luck at the most indirect and obstacle-laden love-finding mission since Cinderella lost her slipper, so one can only assume that they’ve exhausted a number of their different match-making options! Yes, it was weird that Victoria didn’t tell Peter she had dated the guy he wanted to sing at their wedding, but in her defense, what was she supposed to do? Peter isn’t David fuckin’ Koresh, he doesn’t get a complete monopoly over all of the women in his orbit (although after this show he may feel like it.) It is becoming increasingly clear that Peter’s experience with Hannah B on The Bachelorette has massively impacted him and his indecision likely stems from this. It is as if he is just going through the motions with each of the girls and while he may be developing connections with some of them, his fundamental reservations about their credibility continues to deepen his distrust of the entire process. His first instinct is clearly to trust and assume the best in people, and this innocence has dug him holes the depths of which Stanley Yelnats could only dream of. Fool Pete once, shame on you; fool Pete twice, you’re probably trying to stick around for maximum Instagram followers!

It has been very interesting noting the ebb and flow of favor as the season has progressed. The first two episodes were emphatically the Hannah Ann, Kelley and Madi show; but the football game aside, those three have all faded into obscurity. Obviously it’s hard to determine whether this is Peter or the producers’ doing, but they very much seem like the forgotten ladies. Tough to think that Hannah Ann gave up her dream position as a Sonic drive-thru attendant to come on this show and get snubbed. Even tougher to comprehend why Kelley would put her legal career on hold to chase a guy she had a one night stand with, although who knows, maybe people do want to “see their attorney in lingerie?” Her forthcoming personal injury firm slogan just writes itself: “Injured at work? Kelley can get you that workers comp AND that workers badonk!” Who knows about Madi. Hopefully she gets some love in the upcoming episodes.

It all boils down to this: Peter, get your shit together. People around my office have been whispering around the water cooler that you’re the worst Bachelor since Brad Womack. I’m not going to profess to know who that is, but a quick Wikipedia search betrays that he was the Bachelor TWICE, the first time he rejected both finalists, and the musical guests on his second season included Train and Seal. I sincerely hope that this is Peter’s final season and we don’t see a repeat of the return of the Mack, so let’s hope and pray that at the very least, Peter’s eyes become large and the light that one of these ladies shines can be seen!

Peter’s prodigious mismanagement shows no signs of slowing, so I’m expecting major fireworks in the Alayah vs. The Victorias saga, at least one girl to leave of her own volition (hopefully on a train a la “never been kissed”), and plenty more tears and tantrums from the field. Thank you to ABC and The Bachelor for bestowing upon us these gifts, in the immortal words of Kelly Clarkson: You’ve got a piece of me, and honestly, my life would suck without you.

Happy weekend, happy watching, Niners +1.5 is a mortal lock, thanks for coming.

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