It’s been a good couple of days of television. On Saturday, the XFL, another doomed to fail spin-off of the NFL, aired its first games; on Sunday night, the American public was treated to the most endearing and potentially dangerous Oscars side-show in history: “How fucked up can Bong Joon-ho get at this after party;” and then, of course, The Bachelor Peruvian special last night. We’re getting towards the business end of the season people and Peter has flipped on that fasten seat-belt sign. Buckle up Bachelor Nation, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!
To the first date… Madi and Peter are very aesthetically pleasing together, however their conversations very closely resemble the text conversations my 12-year-old self was having on my Motorola Razr with girls I met at the Francis Holland school disco: “I miss you,” “NO, I miss you more!” “NOOO I miss you more than the flower misses the sun in the dead of winter,” “NOOOO a day spent without you is not a day worth living,” etc. etc. until your parents confiscate your phone because you’ve been buying too many mulligans on Golf Club V, and then you and your flash-in-the-pan soulmate never speak again. The two went on a fishing date and rather unsurprisingly, Peter wasted no time in putting the mack in mackerel fishing! If this was an attempt to appeal to Madi’s southern roots with the classic country music double entendre of “fishing in the dark” then boy did it work, with her defenses collapsing like the Southern border wall in a stiff breeze!
Madison’s dinner exposé about her faith was actually quite touching, although after the whole Sydney debacle, I am much more skeptical of these Southern girls revealing all on their 1-on-1 dates than I was before. I know if Jesus was around today he probably would have had a couple of burner accounts too, but Madison’s prior social media indiscretions certainly open the door to questions about her genuineness. What was excellent about their dinner were Peter’s feeble attempts to respond with a faith exploration of his own. “A lot of times I feel like my faith could be stronger” – wait, Peter, when? When you’re hunkering down for a little premarital with Hannah B in the windmill? When you’re trying to “become one flesh” with 32 girls simultaneously? When there are rumors abound online that you broke the rather incongruous 11th Commandment: “thou shalt not sleep with one of the show producers?”
Natasha didn’t get a rose, which I didn’t really find that shocking. They didn’t have any deeply-rooted chemistry and given the sky-high expectations that Peter has for these girls and how they should feel about him, she was never going to make the cut. To be perfectly honest, I can’t remember a whole lot from their date because I was still thinking about Hannah Ann’s leopard print body suit that she was lounging around their hotel room in. I did like the enormously unnecessary panoramic shot of the full orchestra after Natasha was sent home however. I didn’t recognize the piece that they were playing, but seeing as Natasha was squarely on the Chopin block and Peter effectively told her “night night,” maybe it was an orchestral reconstruction of one of the Nocturnes? I’m told that the producers had some Mozart lined up if she had ended up receiving a rose; however, it was not to be for Natasha and Peter’s Magic Flute.
Kelsey’s date was really something else… I’m slightly confused at why she sees the need to sprint towards Peter every time they meet up, but I guess she is trying to remedy the popular complaint amongst the girls that they don’t get enough time with Peter by trying to take advantage of every second? They went quad-biking which was kind of nice, although whoever outfitted the pair in WWI-style trench helmets and Roger Stone-esq. goggles needs to take a long hard look in the mirror. Once again, we were reminded just how low the chivalry bar is these days when Kelsey said of Peter: “he kept looking back at me which was really nice.” No shit Kelsey, you looked about as confident behind the wheel as Mike Pence is of receiving a Christmas card from Planned Parenthood! Surely chivalry shouldn’t be characterized by checking that your date hasn’t plunged off of a cliff, Italian Job-style. The hillside discussion of Kelsey’s future aspirations was good content also. Two quotes took the cake for me: “I want to be able to work a couple days a week, but also want to be at home” and “I want to be involved with my kids, but also have some time for me.” With these two quotes she basically summed up the hopes and dreams of every aspiring adult in the world: 5-day weekend, and having kids because they’re cute and fun to play with but you don’t have to deal with them when they start puking everywhere and drawing all over the walls in permanent marker.
The triple date was quite excellent. In the power rankings of history’s most impactful lists, unanimous number 1 is Schindler’s, vying for second and third position are Santa’s and Craig’s, but coming in a very respectable fourth is Hannah Ann’s list of things she likes about Peter. (Seeing as we’re doing classical music references this week, worth noting that she handsomely beat out Hungarian virtuoso pianist and composer, Franz Liszt). I haven’t seen such a strong exhibition of not-ready-to-get-marriedness since Lana Condor in To All the Boys I’ve Loved. Maybe Hannah Ann is reminding everyone that the sequel is (finally) coming out TOMORROW, but seriously, the list makes most American middle schoolers seem like lovingly matured bottles of ’82 Bordeaux. Seasoned, subtle, sophisticated.
I have nailed myself to the proverbial cross time after time with this take, but blogging is a copycat league so will say it again: Victoria F is the absolute WOAT and I don’t understand what Peter sees in her. Maybe he’s attracted to unhinged, unstable girls or perhaps he’s so desperate to be eskimo brothers with Chase Rice that he’s keeping her around until fantasy suites? Whatever it is, their conversations are like watching car crashes play out in slow-motion and the two clearly don’t complement each other in any way. “I feel like every time we’re together you’re in a mood” is the popular Victoria F refrain. Some self-awareness might be nice here sweetheart? I can spy one common denominator when it comes to dragging poor Peter’s psychology through the mud, and it closely resembles, as well as rhymes with Dysphoria F!
There’s nothing like some good, old fashioned elitism when it comes to The Bachelor, and Kelley’s line: “Look at me, I’m an attorney… what are the other girls?” was a very nice preamble to her eventual consignment to the trash heap of Bachelor history. Come on Kelley, that’s not totally fair! Hannah Ann is a recovering Sonic drive-thru attendant, Kelsey is an aspiring 2-day-a-week workforce warrior, Victoria F is Chase Rice’s ex-girlfriend, and Madi is the youngest foster parent recruiter in the history of the social services. By comparison, an attorney is actually quite low on the totem pole!
Despite touting her professional credentials at every opportunity, Kelley could also very well be, and acts like she’s Hannah Ann’s mother. Probably why she didn’t even come close to shedding a tear in the car after Peter cut her loose. Big girls don’t cry, and Hannah Ann accordingly acted her age and burst into some of the least convincing tears I have ever seen after receiving the final rose. They definitely didn’t look like tears of joy, but more like tears of “oh fuck, I never thought I would make it this far, Peter has to meet my incredibly conservative parents next week and I told them I was backpacking around Asia so would be off the grid for a while.” I will hand it to the producers/Peter, the Hannah Ann, Kelley decision was the first time in the season where I genuinely had no idea who was going to get the rose. Peter chose to take his talents to Knoxville Tennessee over Chicago. Let’s hope that Hannah Ann takes him to the Women’s Basketball Hall of Fame – nothing like shooting your shot surrounded by the trailblazers of the women’s game! Kelley getting retro-actively friend-zoned by Peter has got to suck too. “I see Kelley as more of a friend than a life partner.” Litigate that one Kels!
My saliva glands were working quadruple overtime at the rest-of-season preview. So much remains unknown; so little bears any kind of significance to anyone’s daily lives whatsoever; but bring it on, I cannot wait to see how this cookie crumbles!
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