Women Tell All Preview

It’s been a very big week for people named Pete Weber. Our Peter, of Pilot, facial puncture, and poor judgement fame managed to screw up his future prospects with the girl of his dreams because he couldn’t keep it in his pants for two nights in Australia when Madison specifically asked him to. The other Pete Weber, of bowling, speed shade, and paedophilic Hawaiian shirt fame was celebrating the 8th anniversary of his 5th US Open win and perhaps the greatest moment in the history of professional bowling on Wednesday. Now my trash-talking game is about as incisive as a knife fashioned from reconstituted mashed potatoes, but if anyone can illuminate me as to what in God’s name: “Goddamnit I did it, who do you think you are, I am” means, then please come forward and put me out of my misery. Those were the words Pete Weber screamed at the crowd after he cast his championship-clinching pin-crusher down the lane back in 2012.Now you’re probably thinking there’s no way this is the complete sentence and that the sound guy, suicidal after having watched 12 consecutive hours of professional bowling, nodded off and accidentally muted Pete’s microphone. This is just one of the many conspiracies that have been levelled as to the whereabouts of the incomplete sentence. Bowling savant (because he just would be) Tucker Carlson has claimed on numerous occasions that this is the principal reason we need to find Hillary Clinton’s emails. Nicholas Cage claims that Weber was quoting Mayan scripture and so has fucked off to Mexico to do some digging. I have an alternative theory that the sentence actually continues as follows: “Who do you think you are? I am clearly the best and most accomplished Peter Weber in the world, why do all these chicks want to hang with that baby-faced bitch on The Bachelor who has never bowled higher than a 125 and owns more pairs of Chubbies than he has brain cells?” Step aside Tucker, there’s a new conspiracy sheriff in town!

Some additional thoughts and observations with both eyes trained firmly on Monday night:

Hannah Ann has somehow managed to de-age herself by about 7 years as the season has progressed. What kind of Benjamin Button sorcery is she engaged in? It’s never really appropriate to use my own facial features and complexion as a yardstick to make any comparisons to Bachelor candidates; however, it is still puzzling that I manage to look about 12 years older after a few too many appletinis on a Saturday night. Meanwhile Hannah Ann has been sodomizing the red and white wine, is dealing with the stress of nationwide bodily objectification on a daily basis, has maintained two of her shifts at the Sonic drive-thru while shooting to keep saving up for Jonas Brothers tickets, and still looks as fresh-faced as if she had just come back from awkwardly grinding to Ignition at her first school dance.  

The primary attraction of Monday’s episode is the resolution of the Madison-Peter Fantasy Suite debacle. I am assuming that Hannah Ann and Madison will be the final two, but Love is Blind (what a show) and apparently Peter is too because the fact he cannot see through Victoria F’s translucent smoke screen of civility is beyond my comprehension. Who knows what Peter will do, however you can bank on his decision being irrational and emotional. There has been a lot made of his mother crying and imploring him to “bring her home to us.” Given that Madison is the only girl who has met his parents for their vow renewal and she appears to be on the brink of leaving promiscuous Pete at the rose ceremony, it would certainly make sense that this is in reference to her. We can probably discount Victoria F from this equation because the thought that a mother would cry over her son not ending up with her is antithetical to the entire concept of maternal love!

The Women Tell All episode is always a scintillating evening of entertainment. It’s a real pleasure revisiting a number of the old quarrels and getting back to some of the vociferous bickering that contributes so much to The Bachelor’s nitty gritty attraction. What is reality television other than a business that thrives on schadenfreude and the Women Tell All event allows many of these gratefully-received inter-female car crashes to be revisited in real time. I sincerely hope we can get some additional insight into the Alayah vs. Victoria P relationship. This was the principal narrative in the show for the best part of three weeks so hopefully they will address their relationship prior to the show and Victoria can shed some light on why she was so keen to keep their prior interactions under wraps. I am also curious if the knives are going to come out for Alayah in general. I have never seen a girl incite such vitriol in the house and the fact that it was so staunchly Alayah vs. the world suggests some serious underlying issues. I wouldn’t be surprised if Alayah had a couple of habits that rubbed people the wrong way, I just hope that they’re sufficiently petty to once again crown The Bachelor mansion as the most successful chaos incubator in human history. Imagine if she was stealing the other girls’ toothpaste, or she would dominate the aux cord and play nothing but Peanut Butter Jelly Time remixes. Fingers crossed for some peak pettiness.

Things are shaping up very nicely. Happy viewing and talk Tuesday

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