The Bachelor Week 7 Recap – Matt James

Matt is a strange and confusing guy. He wears pants that are consistently 3 inches two short at the bottom; he has these creepy physical tics, such as licking his lips when talking to the girls 1-on-1 and rubbing his hands together like he’s about to sell a rug at a 23x markup to aContinue reading “The Bachelor Week 7 Recap – Matt James”

Bachelor Week 6 Recap – Matt James

If I were to describe this season of The Bachelor so far using only Matt James’s favorite Bible verses, then we are undoubtedly the Israelites in Deuteronomy 8:3 who have been cruising around the wilderness for 40 years looking for food and meaning in our toils. If the Bachelor God’s were just working up ourContinue reading “Bachelor Week 6 Recap – Matt James”

The Bachelor Week 5 Recap – Matt James

Every so often during a season of the Bachelor, there is an inflection point so visceral, so gut-wrenching, that an Irish poet’s interpretation of a Sophoclean classic is the only location where the imagery exists to do it justice. At the heart of Seamus Heaney’s seminal work The Cure at Troy, is a conflict betweenContinue reading “The Bachelor Week 5 Recap – Matt James”

The Bachelor Week 4 Recap – Matt James

It’s taken a few weeks to get a statistically valid sample size, but I’m now convinced that Matt was created in an advanced former Soviet Bloc robotics laboratory and was released to the West following the fall of the Iron Curtain. First of all, I’ve done CrossFit 4 times and maintain that it is impossibleContinue reading “The Bachelor Week 4 Recap – Matt James”

The Mattchelor – Week 3 Recap

The concepts of motivational carrots and injurious sticks have been leveled to try and inspire particular personal behaviors for millennia. From antiquity to present however, no organization has managed to leverage them side-by-side to quite the effect as our friends at ABC, The Bachelor producers. This week, a fainting Sarah and the promise of aContinue reading “The Mattchelor – Week 3 Recap”

The Bachelor Week 2 Recap – Matt James

The first episode of Matt’s season seems like it was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Between an alarming armed insurrection against our nation’s legislative branch, a new 30-track Morgan Wallen behemoth dropping last Friday, and trying to figure out how to transfer cable and internet services to a new NYCContinue reading “The Bachelor Week 2 Recap – Matt James”

Mattchelor Episode 1 Recap – Bachelor Season 25

One aspect of this season that is immediately apparent, is that Matt has no fucking clue what he’s doing. Being the Bachelor is a lot like being a heart surgeon… You can have former heart surgeons (Tyler C/Hannah B) whispering sweet nothings into your ear about how to approach the situation, read everything on theContinue reading “Mattchelor Episode 1 Recap – Bachelor Season 25”

Bachelor Season 25 Preview – The Mattchelor

Hello wonderful Bachelor Stans and Stanettes! The collective sigh of relief heard across the United States after Tayshia’s season ended has given way to numerous mass nationwide episodes of foaming at the mouth… Whether this foaming was directly caused by the promotional materials of a topless Matt James chopping wood, or more general Bachelor franchiseContinue reading “Bachelor Season 25 Preview – The Mattchelor”

The Bachelorette Finale

If the La Quinta is looking to use this season of The Bachelorette to attract future customers in search of a quiet couples’ haven or a radio silent bunker for business retreats, they really need to re-evaluate their security protocols. If Bennett, the least subtle person in the world, was able to infiltrate Tayshia’s compoundContinue reading “The Bachelorette Finale”

Bachelorette Fantasy Suites Recap

Fantasy Suites never fail to disappoint. In a season that has been foraging the depths of the Marianas Trench trying to conjure up some decent storylines, the Fantasy Suites episode once again illustrated that yes, sex sells, but not as much as making people who are having sex with the same person sit around andContinue reading “Bachelorette Fantasy Suites Recap”