Every so often during a season of the Bachelor, there is an inflection point so visceral, so gut-wrenching, that an Irish poet’s interpretation of a Sophoclean classic is the only location where the imagery exists to do it justice. At the heart of Seamus Heaney’s seminal work The Cure at Troy, is a conflict betweenContinue reading “The Bachelor Week 5 Recap – Matt James”
Author Archives: ollieiselin
The Bachelor Week 4 Recap – Matt James
It’s taken a few weeks to get a statistically valid sample size, but I’m now convinced that Matt was created in an advanced former Soviet Bloc robotics laboratory and was released to the West following the fall of the Iron Curtain. First of all, I’ve done CrossFit 4 times and maintain that it is impossibleContinue reading “The Bachelor Week 4 Recap – Matt James”
The Mattchelor – Week 3 Recap
The concepts of motivational carrots and injurious sticks have been leveled to try and inspire particular personal behaviors for millennia. From antiquity to present however, no organization has managed to leverage them side-by-side to quite the effect as our friends at ABC, The Bachelor producers. This week, a fainting Sarah and the promise of aContinue reading “The Mattchelor – Week 3 Recap”
The Bachelor Week 2 Recap – Matt James
The first episode of Matt’s season seems like it was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Between an alarming armed insurrection against our nation’s legislative branch, a new 30-track Morgan Wallen behemoth dropping last Friday, and trying to figure out how to transfer cable and internet services to a new NYCContinue reading “The Bachelor Week 2 Recap – Matt James”
Mattchelor Episode 1 Recap – Bachelor Season 25
One aspect of this season that is immediately apparent, is that Matt has no fucking clue what he’s doing. Being the Bachelor is a lot like being a heart surgeon… You can have former heart surgeons (Tyler C/Hannah B) whispering sweet nothings into your ear about how to approach the situation, read everything on theContinue reading “Mattchelor Episode 1 Recap – Bachelor Season 25”
Bachelor Season 25 Preview – The Mattchelor
Hello wonderful Bachelor Stans and Stanettes! The collective sigh of relief heard across the United States after Tayshia’s season ended has given way to numerous mass nationwide episodes of foaming at the mouth… Whether this foaming was directly caused by the promotional materials of a topless Matt James chopping wood, or more general Bachelor franchiseContinue reading “Bachelor Season 25 Preview – The Mattchelor”
The Bachelorette Finale
If the La Quinta is looking to use this season of The Bachelorette to attract future customers in search of a quiet couples’ haven or a radio silent bunker for business retreats, they really need to re-evaluate their security protocols. If Bennett, the least subtle person in the world, was able to infiltrate Tayshia’s compoundContinue reading “The Bachelorette Finale”
Bachelorette Fantasy Suites Recap
Fantasy Suites never fail to disappoint. In a season that has been foraging the depths of the Marianas Trench trying to conjure up some decent storylines, the Fantasy Suites episode once again illustrated that yes, sex sells, but not as much as making people who are having sex with the same person sit around andContinue reading “Bachelorette Fantasy Suites Recap”
Bachelorette Hometowns Recap
This season of The Bachelorette has been tough… Between Clare and Dale’s whirlwind engagement, Noah ruining Ed’s chances at the top prize by engaging in relentless Bennett-baiting, and the four remaining contestants being really lovely, stand-up individuals, we’ve been starved of the kind of inter-personal narratives and jaw-to-floor tea-tipping tantrums that have had Bachelor nationContinue reading “Bachelorette Hometowns Recap”
Men Tell All Recap
It’s the holiday season; the season of giving; and to get in the spirit, Chris Harrison decided to don his programming Santa suit and shoot a couple of episodes of the Bachelorette down the chimney for us to enjoy this week. Evidently, Father Chris must have failed to notice the roaring flames at the baseContinue reading “Men Tell All Recap”
Ollie's Bachelor Recaps 