Category Archives: The Bachelor

If I were to describe this season of The Bachelor so far using only Matt James’s favorite Bible verses, then we are undoubtedly the Israelites in Deuteronomy 8:3 who have been cruising around the wilderness for 40 years looking for food and meaning in our toils. If the Bachelor God’s were just working up ourContinue reading “Bachelor Week 6 Recap – Matt James”

Every so often during a season of the Bachelor, there is an inflection point so visceral, so gut-wrenching, that an Irish poet’s interpretation of a Sophoclean classic is the only location where the imagery exists to do it justice. At the heart of Seamus Heaney’s seminal work The Cure at Troy, is a conflict betweenContinue reading “The Bachelor Week 5 Recap – Matt James”

It’s taken a few weeks to get a statistically valid sample size, but I’m now convinced that Matt was created in an advanced former Soviet Bloc robotics laboratory and was released to the West following the fall of the Iron Curtain. First of all, I’ve done CrossFit 4 times and maintain that it is impossibleContinue reading “The Bachelor Week 4 Recap – Matt James”

The concepts of motivational carrots and injurious sticks have been leveled to try and inspire particular personal behaviors for millennia. From antiquity to present however, no organization has managed to leverage them side-by-side to quite the effect as our friends at ABC, The Bachelor producers. This week, a fainting Sarah and the promise of aContinue reading “The Mattchelor – Week 3 Recap”

One aspect of this season that is immediately apparent, is that Matt has no fucking clue what he’s doing. Being the Bachelor is a lot like being a heart surgeon… You can have former heart surgeons (Tyler C/Hannah B) whispering sweet nothings into your ear about how to approach the situation, read everything on theContinue reading “Mattchelor Episode 1 Recap – Bachelor Season 25”

Hello wonderful Bachelor Stans and Stanettes! The collective sigh of relief heard across the United States after Tayshia’s season ended has given way to numerous mass nationwide episodes of foaming at the mouth… Whether this foaming was directly caused by the promotional materials of a topless Matt James chopping wood, or more general Bachelor franchiseContinue reading “Bachelor Season 25 Preview – The Mattchelor”